Friday Night Lights

Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: B | Grade It Now!
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Open Relationships

Open on the fourth quarter of a miserable Panther defeat, 37-0. In the stands, Tami's sister Shelly mutters that Tami isn't getting laid tonight. Because Tami is obviously feeling so randy, holding her baby while standing in a sea of stale peanut shells watching a high school football game. Shelly tells her sister that "they" say that "anything less than three times a week and...." Tami snaps that she's "tired, tired," and Shelly switches subjects from Tami's lonely vagina to Julie's underage one: "Look, there's Julie with that cute little English teacher she has a crush on." Tami's eyes go feral as she stares across the stands at Julie standing next to Noah. Shelly informs her that Julie said she thought he was cute and open-minded and "cultured, very cultured." Tami doesn't it like it one bit.

In the locker room, the boys get dressed down by Coach. He leaves the room and Smash takes about ten seconds before he opens his locker and delivers a Shakespearean ode to his own beauty, "Now that's a good lookin' man right there, wipe it down, wipe it down." Borrowing, of course, those "wipe it downs" from Shakespeare's famous lost foolscap octavo. The other players get mad at Smash for being so cheery after such a dismal loss but Smash doesn't care. He calls over to Matt, asking what the quarterback is doing that weekend only so he can blab what he is doing: getting recruited by McNeil University, "where your cup is never empty and the girls never say no." Smash declares that it is going to be "like Cabo in my pants."

Cut to Matt making out with Lauren in his car. She tells him that her parents are gone for the night and asks him to come in and stay over. It's kind of like Reykjavik in Matt's pants, though, and he begs off, saying that his grandmother would get worried if he didn't come home. His strategy, Icelandically odd-minded as it is, pays off, as Lauren finds him even more attractive for not fucking her. (She here diverges from Ol' Dirty Bastard who, you may remember, went on record saying that he does have a problem with you not fucking him.)

Matt arrives home to find Car-low-ta scrubbing down the stove with spray bleach and rubber gloves. He approaches her and attempts to ask, sexily, whether she "spilled some spices there." He really missed an opportunity to take that line to the next level of sexiness by adding, "you know, like maybe some red hot chili pepper flakes?" Talk about swoon-worthy. Car-low-ta shuts Matt down before he even starts, telling him that they are not even going to think about or talk about "it." She leaves the room and Matt sighs and thinks about the many spices he could have named to symbolize the heat he feels between them.

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Friday Night Lights

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