Cafeteria. Smash points out to Riggins that Tyra is talking to The Missing Link. Landry is also there, but Landry never interacts with anyone on this show except for Tyra so they've stopped taking notice of him. Tim snarks that for Tyra there's too many men and not enough time. Landry pipes up and tells Tim that not everyone is as easy as he is, and proposes that Tyra is just welcoming the guy to the school. Tim jokes, "Landry, I don't know if you know this, but I'm a virgin." Smash asks Landry if he has a date to the dance, which causes Landry to get up and march toward Tyra. Which never ends well, we've found. Landry asks her for a word, and some Larrabee goofs echo him: "'May I have a word, may I have a word'...who is this homo?" Tyra yells at them to stop, but Landry continues to put himself into situations in which he does not belong. Sigh. Tyra tries to get Landry away from the Larrabee guys, but they keep interjecting, calling him a dork. Landry wonders if The Missing Link was sad when the tornado blew his double-wide trailer away, and then the blond afro kid steps up and Landry calls him Richard Simmons. Heee. The Larrabee kids are closing in on Landry, so the Dillon Panthers get up, heeding this ridiculous call to action. Landry throws the first punch and then the entire cafeteria immediately erupts into a hilarious Roadhouse-style brawl. Shit is flying everywhere, there's lots of ineffectual collar-tugging and exaggerated right hooks, and then -- and THEN! -- Tyra grabs Richard Simmons BY HIS HAIR, drags him around, and smashes his head into some glass.
I'll pause to let that sink in. That right there is what pure joy feels like.
Cut abruptly to Coach, presiding over the Dillon Panthers' stair-running punishment. Smash complains that Larrabee isn't getting punished. Coach declares that they are setting an example, and then admits that he knows that Landry Clark started the whole thing. "Broke twelve chairs and an ice cream machine." Is anyone around here wondering if Landry Clark has some rage issues? First a pipe to the head of a stranger, then an ice cream machine? Boy has problems. Coach Dickie calls up from the field and tells Taylor that he's being a hard-ass on his team, giving him the hackneyed "boys will be boys" line. Taylor tells him to mind his own business.
At the Taylors', Shelly is playing with Baby Grace on the couch. Tami comes home and kicks her shoes off with a sigh. She tells Shelly how crazy the day was with the brawl and everything, and then notices a new machine in the kitchen and asks what it is. Shelly excitedly tells her it's this awesome new coffee machine that makes one cup at a time, "cuz you know you guys are always leaving extra in the pot." Tami is unwarrantedly skeptical and bitches that Eric is particular about his coffee. Shelly brushes it off and goes on to show Tami a shirt. "It's for Tim Riggins," she says. Tami moans and tells Shelly that it's inappropriate. Shelly retorts that it's just a shirt; then Tami asks if Shelly even knows how she's been behaving (what a mom word that is, behaving), mooning around flirting with Tim Riggins. Shelly gets pissed and denies ever flirting, and then accuses Tami of being jealous of her. Tami then goes off on Shelly, telling her that she worries about Shelly's life, how she ended up flirting with a teenaged boy, how she refuses to grow up. Shelly retorts that it's because she doesn't want to end up like Tami, and then Tami bitches that "it's no wonder that you're single." Shelly's mouth drops, she takes a moment to regroup, and then comes back with the death blow -- watching these two fight is like watching Ultimate Fighters or something -- to say that it's a wonder Tami feels comfortable leaving her baby in the care of such "an irresponsible little slut." Shelly leaves to go to her room and, she snarks, "read Tiger Beat." But then like a true warrior (i.e., little sister) she returns to drive the sword in a little deeper: "By the way, your baby is in the 70th percentile of height and weight and your pediatrician says hello."