Fringe
Fringe

Episode Report Card
Daniel: B+ | 1297 USERS: B-
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The Wizard of Osmium

We're listening to some '70s rock and looking at a security monitor with many camera angles showing us multiple areas of Massive Dynamic, and the unmistakable sound of water bubbling through a bong is heard, and we pan down to see Walter, holding said bong, flicking a lighter closed, and he's saying, "I didn't realize until later. I woke up, and there she was in my bed. Yoko." Ono he di'n't!

He's talking to none other than Jorge Garcia, also known as Hurley from Lost. You may also know him from the cover of a Weezer album whose name escapes me. Raditude? Hurley says, "What did he say?" by which I presume he means Yoko Ono's husband, the famous composer Toshi Ichiyanagi. Walter says, "What could he say? It was the '70s," and this makes both of them giggle, despite not being super-excellently funny, but such is the power of the bong that's passed between them -- which looks like it's been fashioned from lab equipment at Massive Dynamic. It probably cost about $6,000 in material. Anyway, Ono and Ichiyanagi were divorced in the '60s so I guess that's not who Hurley is asking about.

And then Walter is marveling at all the screens Hurley -- who he calls "Kevin" for some reason -- gets to watch all night. "What a magnificent job," says Walter. Keep in mind, he is high. And just when you're starting to think this is footage of the most amazing episode of Undercover Boss ever, Hurley says, "CEO of Massive Dynamic is not a bad gig either. Must be nice, all that power." Walter somewhat morosely says it was Belly's intellect that made the company great, and all he's managed to do with its vast resources is to create a new flavour of cupcake frosting: bacon-berry. And he does a little bon-appetit kiss, and I would like to remind everyone that while the idea of a frosting flavour of "bacon-berry" sounds exciting, nay, exhilarating, this is Fringe, after all. It's not real. And just because something has bacon in it, that doesn't automatically make it great! Why, just last summer I found a tube of bacon-flavoured lip balm in the gift shop of Madame Tussaud's museum in Vegas -- what wondrous treasures were there -- and I eagerly bought it, despite the relative unchappedness of my lips at the time. And you know what? It felt like I was smearing my lips with bacon fat. And if I'm being honest with myself, I should have expected that. That one's on me.

Anyway, Hurley says he worked for Bell for a long time, but Walter's the best boss he ever had, which isn't surprising. Bell probably expected his night watchman to not smoke weed all night long and all sorts of unreasonable things. Walter looks genuinely touched for a moment, and then they both crack up again, and this is replicating admirably the feeling of not being drunk or stoned whilst watching those who are and being annoyed by their amusement.

Fringe

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