This recap was powered by TiVo, and it was so much easier to write than my others have been.
If you remember from last week, things were getting a little cozier between Samantha and Peter; he had convinced the housekeeper's daughter that he truly, really, deeply wanted to change. We got a chance to hear the Baby Chandler's heartbeat. David dumped Jenny, and it looked like Laurie was going to swoop down on the Aussie, but a case of the shakes brought him back to you know who.
Though we've heard nothing previously of the Williams' philanthropic endeavors, we open tonight's episode on a charity ball honoring Richard and Gwen for their donation of a new wing to the Beverly Hospital. It's aptly named The Williams Cardiac Wing. The only way the writers could have slammed their subtlety hammer down any harder would be to have Richard joke that he hopes he's never a patient there. Richard and Gwen are toasted and applauded before taking the floor for a slow dance. The song is "My Funny Valentine"; Peter requested the song. I'm thankful that Laurie asked about the song's title, because it was popular when I was negative-twenty years old. Peter sneers to Heather that it was his parents' favorite song. "Look at them," he taunts, "like two high-school sweethearts." No wonder Dad couldn't ask Mom to put off the renovations to the resorts. I'm glad that all the characters speak in a way that constantly reminds you of what happened in the previous episode so everyone can be on the same page. It's very viewer-friendly. Peter throws acid in Heather's eyes (no, not literally -- but on this show, one can never tell) by sarcastically apologizing, since Heather's out all the cash she was hoping to invest in Dress2K. Disgusted, Heather leaves. I think tonight they tried to dress her in a cross between Jennifer Lopez's Oscar™ dress and Madonna's get-up in the "La Isla Bonita" video. Meanwhile, Jenny, Laurie, and David are huddled in a bunch. Jenny wants to dance and leads David onto the floor, leaving Laurie feeling uncomfortably alone. Perhaps Ethan wouldn't mind joining her for a dance. Not to this muzak. Unless, of course, she teaches him how to use that expensive scuba gear of hers. He says all of this while looking down her dress. I guess that's okay since they're only cousins. Am I wrong? She accepts his deal and admires his negotiation tactics. They dance! Dance! Dance!
Chandler, bearing his torch on his sleeve, rushes after Heather, and Peter, ever watchful and ever eating martini olives, observes his departure. Chandler finds Heather stewing in the rose garden, and tells her, "My brother's like a shark; when he smells blood, he goes in for the kill." That, and he's got a remora attached to his belly. Since our last episode, Heather has seen a new obstetrician and everything's fine with the baby, which pleases Chandler. She wants to know whether Chandler ever wonders what things would have been like if they had just stayed in Hawaii -- just the two of them. It doesn't matter to Chandler -- it didn't happen, so she should leave it alone. What about their future? she wonders; anything could happen; they could still have it all; I could continue with this overly long, multiple-clause sentence. "What are you saying?" Chandler asks, nostrils flaring. "That we wait until my father dies?" On the positive side, they won't have to wait too long. Just so you know, Peter has witnessed this entire exchange while hiding in the bushes. Heather's beginning to scare Chandler, and not just with her clownish make-up and frightful attire. Chandler wants nothing to do with her sick fantasies, except the one involving the trampoline and peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Chandler returns to the party but Peter, ever shark-like, goes in for the kill. He asks what's going on between Heather and Chandler. She denies that anything is going on and says it's all in Peter's fashionably decorated imagination. Peter makes some sort of lame analogy that he's the handsome prince (you mean "princess"), and she's the wicked stepmom out to "usurp" his kingdom. "Usurp"?! Guys! Remember your key demographic: not everyone got a chance to go to high school, you know. ["But enough about Benzoate. Hee!" -- Wing Chun] Heather pities Peter, all alone in his sick world of fantasies. He's not alone as long as Heather's there, Peter claims: "You're my raison d'être." That's French, he explains, for "you're going down." Hey I took French, and I know it literally translates to "eater of raisins." Come on, now, we're not stupid! Heather's only comeback is a sarcastic "I love you, too." Peter 1, Heather 0.