Game of Thrones
A Golden Crown

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A+ | 8 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Thunk!
led masses, then lifts his sword. He goes for another dramatic pause, then carefully inserts it into the knight's neck. There is lot of blood. And then Bronn kicks the knight's body into the hole and he falls into the sky. So long, knight!

Tyrion and Bronn share a nod. Robyn has apparently not been paying attention, because he wants to know if it's over. Unless that knight flies back up through the Moon Door, I'm pretty sure Bronn won. Lysa informs Bronn that he doesn't fight with honor. Bronn cheerfully agrees and, indicating the Moon Door, says, "He did." Robyn still wants to make Tyrion fly, but that's not on anymore. Tyrion glares at Sideburns until he gives Tyrion his purse back (which does require a nod from Catelyn) and he and Bronn head for the door. Not the Moon Door; the regular one. Tyrion tosses his purse to Mort, saying, "A Lannister always pays his debts." When you think about it, the Lannisters must be in the habit of running up a lot of debt if they're known for paying them all. I mean, if they just paid cash for everything, no one would know what would happen to a debt. But they're incredibly rich. So maybe they just go around Wimpy-ing it up all the time, offering to pay on Tuesday for hamburgers acquired today, just so they can make a big deal out of paying for their hamburgers on Tuesday. It's kind of like running up your credit rating.

Sansa is embroidering mopily. Um. That means she is mopey and is embroidering. I did not mean to imply that "mopily" is an old-timey thing that requires embroidering. Septa Mordane (that's the old lady who watches her and Arya and tries to get them to behave) comments that Sansa's hair is now being kept in the Southern fashion. Sansa says that's because she's in the South now, but Mordane wants Sansa to remember where she's from. That's the sort of thing that's important, apparently. Sansa observes that Mordane's hair is always covered. And where does Mordane even come from, anyway? Mordane starts to answer, but Sansa interrupts, "Oh, wait. I just realized. I don't care." She's a very convincing snotty teenager, isn't she? Septa Mordane firmly informs Sansa that she's being rude.

Just then! Prince Joffrey enters. He tells Sansa he's behaved monstrously and offers her an apology necklace. She's completely charmed by this, because it's slightly shiny and that's all it takes. He asks forgiveness for his rudeness, and she says there's nothing to forgive. Joffrey promises he'll never disrespect her or be cruel to her again. The backlighting here is straight out of the last shot of The Princess Bride, which is how Sansa is currently imagining herself.

Theon Greyjoy is out riding on a random trail when he sees Ros on the back of a cart. She's going to King's Landing because she's heard that Jaime and Ned are fighting. I understand how that could mean that Winterfell would be a bad place to be, but won't King's Landing also be a war zone? Theon wants her to stay, but it's not like he's going to turn her into Lady Greyjoy or anything crazy like that. The cart continues down the road and Theon is sad. He tosses her a coin for one last flash of her crotch. HBO!

Ned tells his girls he's sending them home to Winterfell. See, he understands that King's Landing is about to be a dangerous place. But he thinks Winterfell will be safe? I disagree with both him and Ros; I think the safest place to be is someplace without one of those giant castles. They just attract armies. Sansa wails about leaving Joffrey, her one true love and Arya asks if Ned's leg is going to kill him. Then she asks to bring Syrio back to Winterfell. Sansa thinks that's stupid because she thinks Syrio really is just a dancing instructor. Then she goes back to wailing about Joffrey: "I love him and I'm meant to be with him and have his babies." Ned says he'll find her a better match, someone who's brave and gentle and strong. She walks right into it: "I don't want someone brave and gentle and strong. I want him!" She vows to give him lots of babies with yellow hair. Ned thinks for a bit and tells the girls to go get their things. They leave. Ned opens up that ponderous tome again and studies the Lineages and Histories of the Seven Kingdoms. He turns to the Baratheon page. "Orris Baratheon, black of hair. Axl Baratheon, black of hair." Also black of hair: Lionel, Stefon, and Robert. Then he gets to Joffrey Baratheon, who is golden-haired. There it is.

Dothrak party! Drums! Dancing! Drunken, sword-wearing Viserys! Oh, that seems like a problem. Daenerys tells Jorah to stop him. Viserys refers to the evening as "The whore's feast" and tells Jorah that no one touches the Dragon. That's probably part of his problem. He claims to have been raised to be a king, but he must have been pretty young when he and Dany took it on the lam. Drogo and his men laugh at Viserys. He wants to join the party and does not take kindly to being told that there's a place for him in the darkened back of the tent. Drogo tells him, "You are no king." Viserys pulls out his sword and the mood of the party changes. Jorah tells him to put the sword down before the Dothraki kill all of them. Viserys mocks this, saying, "They can't shed blood in their sacred city. But I can." He puts the tip of the sword on Daenerys's belly, because he has no idea how to behave in civilized company. He insists that he wants the crown he was promised and tells Dany, "He bought you. But he never paid for you." He says that he's going to take Daenerys away, but he's willing to leave the baby. Specifically, he offers to cut the baby out of Dany and leave it on the ground. This is all being translated for Drogo.

Daenerys is looking at Viserys without blinking. Drogo says some ominous stuff. Daenerys translates, "He says yes. You shall have a golden crown that men shall tremble to behold." Viserys, taken aback a little, says that was all he wanted. He steps back. Drogo walks over and puts his hand on Daenerys's belly. Then two Dothraki grab Viserys and drag him away, breaking his arm. He bleats about how he can't be touched, being the Dragon and all. It doesn't stop the men who are holding him. Drogo puts his golden medallion belt in the cauldron. Daenerys won't look away. The belt melts, which I'm told would require a higher temperature than wood fires normally reach. Drogo says, "A crown for a king." Then he pours the molten gold all over Viserys's head. He falls, with a hilarious "Thunk!"

Daenerys looks at Viserys's dead boy with contempt. "He is no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon." END OF EPISODE! Man, that was awesome.

Follow Monty on Twitter: @montykins. Come on, do it! And consider going to Mysterious Exhortations, where Monty talks about things he actually likes. You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.

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Game of Thrones

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