Jaime is not doing well without his hand. Well, he's still got it, but it's not doing him much good hanging from a string around his neck. He tries fighting back, but he's not very good with just his left hand, so he ends up face down in the mud repeatedly. He's even ready to give up and stop eating, but Brienne talks him into staying alive so he can get revenge on those who have wronged him. So he's doing a little better than Theon, because it turns out his mysterious savior was just leading him back to the torture room to mess with him.
There's lots of fun going on in King's Landing, mostly centered around Margaery Tyrell, who is getting a lot done. She gets Joffrey to go outside and wave at the crowd, which makes Cersei pretty angry. She complains to Tywin, but Tywin doesn't much care about the bond between a mother and her son. Margaery also chats up Sansa Stark and asks her if she'd like to marry Ser Loras (the Knight of the Flowers) and move to Highgarden to see all the delightful celebrations. She'd like that very much, as it happens. But Varys knows that Littlefinger is planning to take Sansa on his trip to the Eyrie. Also, he's got a sorcerer in a box.
Up north, the Night's Watch is starting to feel that Craster is not being the most gracious host. So they complain until he throws them out. Then one of them stabs him. Lord Commander Mormont tries to get his men under control, so he gets stabbed. Then things get out of hand, so Sam runs out the door. Good thinking, Sam! He grabs Gilly and her newborn son and they get out of the chaos. And into more chaos, probably.
Okay. So, you remember Daenerys? And the way that slave master kept insulting her in a language he assumed she didn't speak? Well, it was Old Valyrian, which is something Targaryens are familiar with. But she goes ahead with the exchange, in which she gets control of over eight thousand trained soldiers and the slave master gets to hold a chain attached to a dragon. And then the show gets awesome, because the dragon burns him to death and the Unsullied kill everyone and the dragon flies around just burning the city. It's pretty great. She frees her army, but they all still follow her anyway.
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This week, the opening credits include King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell, the Wall and Astapor. That's all the same stuff from last week. I guess it isn't quite fair that I get impatient when the credits stay the same for two episodes in a row. But that's where we're at. I demand more travel! There isn't even anyone at Winterfell right now, and the Wall characters are at Craster's farm. There are people at Harrenhal, but no one we really care about. I just wish they'd switch it up already.
The show opens on a severed hand, which has been hung around Jaime Lannister's neck. It's nice that they let him keep it, but I bet it smells pretty bad. His captors speculate about how many of the hand's fingers could fit up Jaime's ass, and one of the riders asks if Cersei has maybe loosened him up for them. So I guess the rumors about Jaime and Cersei have spread pretty much everywhere. Jaime slumps off his horse and falls into the mud. I didn't mention that there was mud, but you can usually just assume it. He struggles up to his knees and asks for some water. One of the goons dumps some water over Jaime's head, which is probably not exactly what he was after. Although it might help wash some of that mud off his face. Someone else brings him something to drink. And after he's started gulping it down, the man says, "Can't say that I've ever seen a man drink horse piss that fast." Boy, Jaime's having a tough season so far, isn't he? I'm sure it's going to turn around for him, though. Keep a positive outlook, Jaime!
By this time, the bandits have surrounded Jaime and are mocking him. I don't know if they're technically bandits, but it's close enough. The point is that they're close enough to him that he can grab a sword and defend himself. Remember how he did that when he was being guarded by Brienne? She won that fight, and now he's facing many more people and he's missing a hand. So it does not go nearly as well. For a second, it looks like he's holding them off, but he gets kicked into the mud again. And again. Brienne jumps off her horse and tries to defend him, but her hands are still tied, so it's not that hard to keep her back. Once Jaime stops getting up from the mud, he gets kicked in the ribs a couple of times. The main baddie steps on Jaime's wrist until he lets go of the sword. Jaime gets warned, "Do that again and we'll take your other hand." Brienne gets dragged back to her horse. There's a nice shot of Jaime with his hand. Poor Jaime. Poor Kingslayer.