Game of Thrones
Blackwater

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A+ | 88 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
A Drink Before the War

Joffrey tells Sansa that her king is riding off to battle and that she should kiss him. He takes out his sword and tells her that it's is name Hearteater. He makes her kiss the blade, which is pretty weird. With a hilariously inappropriate swagger, he tells her, "You'll kiss it again when I return. And taste my uncle's blood." Seriously, the facial expression when he says that is the most punchable his face has ever gotten. Sansa asks if he'll kill Stannis himself. He will... if Stannis gets anywhere near him. "So you'll be outside the gate, fighting in the vanguard?" Joffrey has an ingenious way out of this interrogation: "The king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls!" Sansa agrees that she's stupid. Of course he'll be in the vanguard. After all, she says, Robb is always in the vanguard and he's only a pretender. Joffrey says she'll get to lick Robb's blood off Hearteater too. It's a shame the Hound is so tall, because I imagine there are some impressive eye-rolls going on just above the top of the screen. Exit Joffrey. Shae tells Sansa that some of his entourage won't come back. Sansa says Joffrey will. She's figured out what sort of world she's in, at least to the extent that she no longer thinks good things will ever happen to her.

The streets of King's Landing are a mess. People are running around without a plan and there's a horse running amok. Amok, I tell you! And Joffrey has to get through them. He does not throw a fit, which makes me sad. They just walk through to wherever they're going. I like Joffrey more when he's being horrible, but I guess this shot was just to show the citizenry in disarray.

Tyrion is at the wall (the one in King's Landing, not The Wall) looking through the crenellations at Stannis's fleet, which sounds very close. Joffrey and Lancel (Lancel Lannister, the one who served Robert Baratheon the wine that got him drunk when he died and also the one currently serving as Cersei's bedroom entertainment) show up behind Tyrion and ask where the Lannister fleet is. Tyrion says they're on the way. Joffrey throws the fit I was hoping for and demands to know why their fleet isn't there already. Tyrion doesn't answer, so Joffrey directs the Hound to tell the Hand that the King has asked him a question. The Hound does not quite sigh as he says, "The king has asked you a question." Tyrion tells Lancel to tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is busy. Lancel actually starts to do it, because he's an idiot. Joffrey moves to Phase 2: threats. If he tells the Hound to cut Tyrion in half, he'll do it. Tyrion says he would become "The Quarterman" but does not otherwise seem worried. Then he tells Joffrey that if he's dead, he can't give the signal to start the plan. There's a plan! Someone grabs a torch, which comes dangerously close to the Hound's face. He doesn't like fire because his face got all burned up, which you'd know if you'd memorize every single thing that gets said on this show the way you're supposed to. Anyway, Tyrion goes on to explain that this plan is the only thing between Stannis and Joffrey's "pinched little head." And he doesn't mind the idea of Joffrey's head on a pike, but he doesn't want his own head removed either. Tyrion's staring out at the water. Joffrey doesn't answer.

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Game of Thrones

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