Game of Thrones
Garden of Bones

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 3 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Bucket of Rats
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

You know, I kind of resent that this show makes me pay attention to the credits. I already don't have commercial breaks during which to stare vacantly into the distance, so I'd like some sort of break during the show. My wishes, however, are not being taken into account, because every week there are different cities in the opening credits. This week, we see King's Landing. Harrenhal (a new place!), Pyke, Winterfell, the Wall and Qarth (also new!). That means there's no Vaes Dothrak, which I'm glad about. Not that I have anything against it, really; it's just that Daenerys hasn't been anywhere near there for the entire season and I was starting to take its presence in the credits as a purposeful lie.

It is now a dark and stormy night. See, if I didn't have to do all that talking about the opening credits, I could have started with that and then moved on to talking about Lord Bulwer-Lytton and Snoopy and A Wrinkle in Time. But now you are deprived of all that. You're just going to have to Google all those references and guess what I was going to say about them. In Game of Thrones, which I'm supposed to be talking about, two guys in armor are speculating about who would win in a fight between the Mountain, Jaime Lannister and Loras Tyrell. One says that Loras is the best with a sword. The other answers, "How good could he be? He's been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain't dead." So absolutely everyone knows about Renly and Loras? I was under the impression that it was being kept at least a little secret. While this philosophical debate is going on, they notice that their horses seem restless. One goes to investigate. There are suspicious noises. "There's somethin' out there," he announces. There's a dramatic pause, which I approve on the grounds of it being easy to recap. Then one of them lets out a giant fart.

That, of course, was hilarious. And also entirely appropriate humor for both the vaguely medieval time period and the general profession of soldier. And now that the tension has been broken, a giant wolf comes and eats them. We see Robb sitting on his horse and his men attack. Probably. It's still a pretty dark night (as well as being stormy), so I have to infer what's going on from the sounds of battle. Far be it from me to suggest that staging the battles at night is a cost-cutting measure.

The next morning (as implied by the fog everywhere), there are dead men all over the place. There are also a lot of people screaming, which I guess implies that not everyone is dead. Robb walks through the battlefield and gets the report: there are five Lannisters dead for every one of his. That's pretty good. I believe Robb's now won three big battles against the Lannisters, so presumably the war's going really well for him. It'll probably be over pretty soon, right? So now he's got some high-class problems, like having so many prisoners there's no place to put them and not enough food to feed them. Contrary to the broad hints of his advisor, Robb would prefer not to just kill all the prisoners. He doesn't even want to torture the officers to learn Tywin Lannister's plans. His excuse is that the Lannisters have prisoners of their own and he doesn't want retaliation. Well, I'm sure that will keep the Lannisters from mistreating their Stark-aligned prisoners, right?

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Game of Thrones

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