Game of Thrones
The Night Lands

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 3 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Thirteen and Pregnant

Dragonstone. Davos and Matthos are in a room with a giant table, upon which is arrayed a bunch of miniature armies. It's a very nice table. It's got terrain features and everything! Stannis enters, followed by Melisandre, who I've been calling "Creepy Lady." She's the red-haired woman who seems to be the main priestess of the fire god. Stannis is skeptical of allying with Salladhor. Davos agrees that the pirate is not to be trusted, but he assures Stannis that once Salladhor gets the smell of gold, he won't stop until he gets it. Stannis says that once Salladhor does his job (helping them attack King's Landing) he'll have his gold. Then he tells Davos and Matthos to leave. As they do, Melisandre takes a moment to tell Matthos about how the Lord of Light shines through him. So the One True God, the Fire God, and the Lord of Light are all referring to the same god. With all those epithets, you'd think he'd have an actual name. Melisandre whispers a bit more to Matthos before he leaves.

Now that they're alone, Satannis asks Melisandre what she said to him. Essentially, she recommended death by fire. It's great! She also says that armies are but toys for the Lord of Light. Stannis, who is no fool, says that Renly has a hundred thousand men. That sounds expensive! Melisandre tells Stannis to have faith, but he thinks that having the bigger army is a bigger factor in winning a war. He thinks he can't beat Renly in a head-to-head fight and that he can't take King's Landing by himself. He tells her that he's said all the relevant words and burnt all the important idols, so it's time for the Lord of Light to start making everything work right. She tells him he must give all of himself. And suddenly her boobies are on the show! He tells her that he has a wife and that he took a vow. Melisandre says, "She's sick. Weak. Shut away in a tower. She disgusts you. And she's given you nothing. No sons. Only stillborns. Only death." This is awful sexytalk. Who gets into the mood by talking about stillborns? She promises, "I will give you a son, my king."

And that's apparently all it takes to get Stannis Baratheon to start having sex with you! Right on the mock battlefield table, too. Which I don't think is a good idea, since the terrain features make it all bumpy and uncomfortable. So would the little army figures, but Stannis knocks them onto the ground. I have a visceral reaction to that, which comes of having played a lot of board games in my times. That happened to a Risk game I was in once, and we never agreed on where any of the armies were. He's just destroyed the integrity of his enormous miniature war. Oh no!

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Game of Thrones

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