Game of Thrones
The Night Lands

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 3 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Thirteen and Pregnant

Just then! There's a raven from Castle Black, which is that castle right up at the Wall. The Wildlings have stopped killing each other randomly in their crazy beyond-the-Wall existence and banded together with Mance Rayder. As a result, Lord Commander Mormont wants more men. But he's probably always asking for more men, right? This seems like the sort of thing the Night's Watch is always saying. Cersei says there are none to spare. The message specifically says, "Cold winds are rising and the dead rise with them." The Lord Commander even claims to have been attacked in his own bedchamber by the walking dead. This doesn't seem to grab anyone's attention at the Small Council. And why would it? Game of Thrones just got renewed for a third season; they don't have anything to worry about from Walking Dead. If you start getting attacked by iCarly, you've got a problem. So everyone's leaving the Council chamber, but Tyrion says Mormont doesn't lie about things like zombies attacking him in the bedroom. Cersei doesn't care about "grumpkins and snarks," which is my favorite phrase because it sounds like it describes television recappers. Here, look at this: "There are two kinds of recappers: grumpkins and snarks. Which are you?" See? Okay, you get the idea. The point is, Cersei claims to have every confidence in the brave men of the Night's Watch.

Out in the snowy area past the Wall, the brave men in question are discussing the phenomenon of farting when you die. Samwell (the fat one, but not the fat one from Lord of the Rings named "Samwise") speculates that Craster doesn't need more than two or three wives. It does seem a little over-the-top to insist on a harem composed of multiple generations of your own descendants. One of them talks about how he used to have frequent sex with a milkmaid named Violet. Samwell muses, "Wish I grew up on a farm." He goes off to get potatoes and turnips. But on his way, he runs across Jon Snow's giant white direwolf (Ghost) frightening a girl. Fatty asks her if she's okay, and she can only stammer that he shouldn't touch her. Well, she also says, "You're very brave." So I guess I was lying about her only being able to stammer one thing. Her name is "Gilly," which brings up unpleasant Saturday Night Live references.

Snow (the character "Jon Snow" who's a bastard of uncertain parentage, raised by Ned Stark, and sent off to join the Night's Watch; not the white stuff that falls out of the sky during winter) sharpens his sword. That's something that happens a lot on this show. If they don't have anything else for a character to do, they just toss them a sword to sharpen. I mean, you can't have people have random sex in every scene. Or can you? I guess it's not out of the question. HBO!

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Game of Thrones

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