Game of Thrones
The Night Lands

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 3 USERS: B+
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Thirteen and Pregnant

And speaking of water, we suddenly cut to a boat. And do you know what the boat is floating on? That's right: water. That's what makes it such a good segue. The last word of the last paragraph was "water" and then we're in a paragraph that's all about water. Seamless. Well, except for all this talking about it I'm doing. The boat is approaching a castle on a cliff, which pleases its passenger, one Theon Greyjoy. Theon's been a sidekick of Robb Stark for the whole series so far, so this will be an interesting chance to see him on his own. I'd like to see him have swashbuckling adventures on the high seas, but he's really just going to Pyke to talk to his father. I know it's Pyke because I was paying attention during the opening credits!

He goes below decks, where he's got a naked lady. She seems pleased to see him as he delivers exposition about himself. He's confident that he'll get a huge reception when they dock because his father will be so happy to see him back. Also, although the label on the map is Pyke, the whole general area is the Iron Islands, which are proud of how cold and wet they are. It's the Seattle of the Seven Kingdoms! Theon tells his woman, "Hard men rule the world." This is an obvious straight line for sexy double entendres, and she goes for it. Theon isn't all that impressed with her teeth and tells her to smile with her lips closed. Then he shoves her on her back and -- look, how explicit do you want me to get here? While they're having sex, she talks about how her father told her the Greyjoys were all rapists. She begs to be his "salt wife," which I can only assume means "lady he has sex with and also occasionally salts his food for him." She'd usually be positioned next to the pepper wife. Being an official salt wife would mean that her father wouldn't call her a whore. Theon points out that he hasn't paid her, so she can't be a whore. Then he rolls her over and continues with the sexing. She seems to enjoy this position much less.

Hey! Now we're somewhere else watching two other people have sex! And then we're watching Littlefinger watch them. And then we're watching one of Littlefinger's whore perform fellatio on him while he's watching people have sex. And then I wrote about it and you read that. Meta, right? Littlefinger's voyeurism is interrupted by an unhappy customer, who protests that he "barely touched" his prostitute. She's crying much more than he expected this early in the festivities. Littlefinger wipes off the mouth of the young lady who was attending to him and sends her off with the customer as a replacement.

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Game of Thrones

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