Game of Thrones
The Night Lands

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 3 USERS: B+
Thirteen and Pregnant

Just then! Who should walk in but that woman that gave Theon a ride? Theon tries to tell her she was supposed to wait for him, but she turns out to be his sister Yara. Whoops! It doesn't quite count as incest if all you do is feel your sister up, right? I mean, by the standards of this show, that's hardly anything! Balon tells Theon that Yara's in charge of his army. Theon, naturally, goes with the ol' "What? But you're a woman!" She smirks at him and tells him he's the one in skirts. Balon says, "What's dead may never die." And Theon joins in, so I guess that's a saying. Not a very good one, if you ask me. Anyway, Yara's commanded armies and killed men already. And Balon has a statement of purpose: "No man gives me a crown. I pay the iron price. I will take my crown. For that is who I am. That is who we have always been." Well. He has a kraken on his wall, a saying borrowed from Cthulhu, and he lives in a cold, wet, Seattle-y place. I can see why all my friends like the Greyjoys. Theon warns him, "You won't stand a chance against the Lannisters on your own!" Balon answers, "Who said anything about the Lannisters?"

Out on a beach somewhere, Davos is speaking with someone who's obviously a pirate of some sort. Davos would like him to join Stannis's cause. The pirate is skeptical of Stannis's chances, because of all the armies in play, Stannis's is the smallest. Well, he doesn't know about Dany's army, which consists of a handful of dehydrated horsepeople. And nobody knows how many people Mance Rayder's got. And the Greyjoys haven't officially declared their entry yet. But of the local armies, Stannis has fewer people than Renly, Robb or the Lannisters. Davos counters that Stannis has more experience fighting a war than any of the other players. I think he's counting Joffrey as the leader of the Lannister army, not Tywin. Because Tywin and Stannis seem to be about equal, as far as I can tell. However, Stannis gets the edge on being extremely honorable, according to Davos. The pirate, whose name is Salladhor Saan, asks, "What is the world coming to when smugglers must vouch for the honor of kings?" Davos gets to the point and tells him he can plunder the greatest city of Westeros (King's Landing) and men will sing songs about him. Salladhor wants to add Cersei to his bounty, and then his fleet of thirty ships will throw in. He clarifies his intentions: "I'm not going to rape her. I'm going to fuck her." Davos's son Matthos protests that Cersei won't fall to Salladhor's charms. Salladhor leers at Matthos and answers, "You don't know how persuasive I am. I've never tried to fuck you." This seems to unnerve Matthos, who starts talking about the One True God. This is a controversial philosophical stance in this world, where some people worship the Old Gods. Salladhor equates the "One True God" with what's between a woman's legs. Seems like that would be the One True Goddess, but what do I know? Davos says he can promise Salladhor anything he wants, except for Cersei. If he wants to capture her and make her his concubine (or whatever his plan is), he's on his own. Salladhor, who seems like a cheerful sort, answers, "I'll sail with you, Davos Seaworth. You're the most honorable smuggler I ever met. Make me rich." Davos answers, "Get me to the gates of King's Landing and I will." So there you go. Now Stannis has a fleet of thirty pirate ships.

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Game of Thrones




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