Ned next checks in on Lord Robert himself, who is currently shouting at his squire, who appears to be a Lannister. It's probably Lancel again. All these yellow-hairs look alike to me. Probably-Lancel is attempting to help Robert get into his armor, but it's not going very well. Robert's theory is that his armor has shrunk. Also that Probably-Lancel is somehow doing it wrong. He seems pleased when Ned walks in, because now he has a new person to shout at about how incompetent his squire is: "Look at this idiot. One ball and no brains!" Ned, who has no time for soothing his king's ego, just tells Robert he's too fat for his armor. Robert acts mad, but then he and Ned laugh. Then Lancel smiles a little, and Robert snarls at him about finding it funny. Lancel denies it, but then he's in trouble for not finding the Hand's joke funny. Finally, Robert sends him out to get the breastplate stretcher. And that's clearly not a real thing, because Ned and Robert laugh at poor, stupid Lancel as soon as he's out of the tent.
Now, back to business: Ned tells Robert he can't joust. But Robert vows that he'd win! Yes, explains Ned, because nobody's going to hit the king. "You're telling me those cowards would let me win?" By George, I think he's got it! Robert wants Ned to have a drink with him, and it takes a direct order. Ned, just loosen up a little and have a damn drink, okay? It's the only way Robert's going to share some backstory with us. And here it is: he married Cersei because Jon Arryn told him to, the idea being that he'd get her whole family on his side. Also, he's all whiny about being king but not getting to do whatever he wants. He starts to leave, and Ned has to remind him to button up his shirt. Apparently a big, hairy belly isn't considered kingly around here. Robert tries out a new catchphrase: "Come bow before your king. Bow, ya shits!"
Joust time! Our first contestant is Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane. He enjoys burning his brother's face off, killing Ser Hugh of the Vale, and Jazzercise. He bows to the king. Ned has decided to join his family for today's events (when you hear that someone died in yesterday's lists, that probably makes you want to see what's going to happen today), but Arya seems to be missing. Sansa says she's at her dancing lessons. And here's our second contestant: It's the Knight of the Flowers! He has a silly name, but he apparently beat Jaime Lannister once (that's when Tyrion is supposed to have won that dagger from Littlefinger. And you thought I hadn't been paying attention!) so he's no Ser Hugh of the Vale. The Knight of the Flowers (that's a long name, which I may well abbreviate to "Flowers" at some point) gives Sansa a rose, and she is instantly charmed by his courtly manners and long, floppity hair. He nods to the Mountain and they take up their positions. Sansa wails that her new floppity-haired crush is going to get killed by the Mountain. Littlefinger, meanwhile, bets with Renly Baratheon on the joust. Littlefinger speculates about what he's going to buy with his winnings, and Renly suggests that he get a friend. Zing! And now the joust! The Knight of the Flowers unseats the Mountain, and the crowd goes wild! Renly smirks at Littlefinger and says how nice it would have been for him to have a friend. Littlefinger, with the air of someone who thought of this line the previous night and was just waiting for the opportunity to deliver it, answers, "And tell me, Lord Renly. When will you be having your friend?" It's a gay joke! Because the friend he meant was the Knight of the Flowers.