Game of Thrones
The Wolf and the Lion

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 7 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Bare-Chested Jamboree
e dirt path somewhere, where Tyrion Lannister is unceremoniously lifted off of a horse and set on the ground. Then a hood is removed from his head. And that jackass minstrel is still there, in a moment that, I'm guessing, reminded everyone in the world of Brave Sir Robin's minstrel in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Great. I was worried this scene wouldn't have a guy strumming on a lute. Tyrion notes that this isn't the road to Winterfell, which is where Catelyn told everyone in the tavern she was going to take him. So right now, inaccurate rumors about his location are spreading across the kingdom. That's one point for Lady Stark, I guess. Tyrion speculates that the rumors will certainly reach his father, who will offer a fat reward for his son. He adds, "Everyone knows a Lannister always pays his debts," making sure to be loud enough that Catelyn's helpers can hear him. Aside from Sideburns and the minstrel, they appear to be the scruffy guys from the tavern. Tyrion asks if maybe his hands could be untied, and Catelyn snippily refuses. He thinks that's dumb, because even with his hands free, he's not really a threat to overpower them and make his escape. He's also figured out where they're going: "You're taking me to your sister to answer for my imagined crimes." Her sister is Lysa, and she's the one who's holed up at the Eyrie. He asks if Catelyn's seen Lysa lately and ominously intones, "She's changed." But if he's trying to scare her away from her destination, his heart doesn't really seem in it. Sideburns wants to gag Tyrion to keep him from saying evil things like "I had nothing to do with the attempt on your son's life."

And that's about all the conversation there's time for, because! Just then! Hill people roar out of the underbrush and start attacking! There are swordfights everywhere! Hack! Slash! Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! Lady Stark is not participating in the fight, choosing instead to pull out a comically small dagger and cower against a hillock. Tyrion gets her to cut the ropes that tie his hand, and he grabs a shield. He seems to be eyeing the horses and wondering if he could get over to them, but I think mounting one is probably something of an ordeal for him. One giant dude with a mace kills one of the tavern guys and turns to menace Catelyn. Tyrion whacks him in the butt with the shield, which knocks him over. Then, when the dude is on the ground, Tyrion pounds the point of his shield into the guy's face. Over and over again. Well past the point of killing him. In fact, he's still doing it when the fight's clearly over. One of the sellswords tells Tyrion that after a fight, you need a woman, and Tyrion makes some sort of lewd reference to Lady Stark. Well, it's either her or Sideburns, and I still haven't gotten used to the under-chin sideburn bow. Although I expect to see that as a cosplay element on the convention circuit this summer.

Hey, remember Winterfell? Let's go back there! Theon is practicing some archery in the background while Bran is quizzed on various noble families and cities. This is probably important stuff, right? I bet it's one of those things where there are fifty irrelevant things and then one incredibly important thing that the whole show ends up hinging on. Well, too bad for you, then, because Bran is sulky and does not enunciate his answers properly, which is the sort of thing that gets in the way of a good transcription. I will tell you that when the Greyjoys are mentioned, Theon comments that they're famed for their skills at archery, navigation, and lovemaking. Bran's teacher adds "failed rebellions" to that. Bran pretends that the Lannister motto is "A Lannister always pays his debts," in case we didn't notice when Tyrion said that. It's no "Winter is coming," but it probably increases your chances of getting credit at the local brothel. And speaking of family mottos, Bran thinks that "Family, duty, honor" (Tully family) should imply that family comes first, which means that he's mad about his mother not being there when he woke up. The teacher promises she'll be back soon, but he points out that his mother's precise whereabouts are currently unknown, so it's hard to make promises about when she'll be home. He's also mopey about how he'll never be able to shoot a bow again (although he wasn't any good at it back when his legs worked), and then he's shocked to learn that Dothraki boys shoot from horseback.

Theon is next seen having sex with a red-haired lady, who we can assume is Rose. You remember, the one that he recommended to Tyrion? The one Jon Snow spoke fondly of? She's apparently good at her job. And her job today is having sex (doggy-style, of course, which we might as well just rename to "Game of Thrones style") with Theon. He asks her about what Tyrion's packing, but she just tells him that Tyrion is good with his fingers and tongue. Also he's a good tipper, but that might just be because the Lannisters are exceedingly rich. I bet Cersei's a lousy tipper, though. Theon tries to regain some ground by saying that the Greyjoys are also rich, but they're not, you know, Lannister Rich. Rose calls him "A serious boy with a serious cock," which I'm not sure is entirely a positive. Don't you want a cock with a fun side? Theon says he doesn't want to pay for it anymore, and Rose tells him to get a wife, then.

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