Just in case you were concerned, Tyrion Lannister survived his injury. He was left in the mud when his dad and the Tyrells joined forces and stormed King's Landing defeating Stannis Baratheon's troops. To celebrate the victory, Joffrey awards everyone great honors, except Tyrion who has been banished to a tower room to heal. His father has replaced him as the Hand of the King and Tyrion is no longer of use. Yet he wants to stay and continue to prove himself.
Margaery Tyrell, who is given to Joffrey as his blushing bride. His mom thinks it's a good move, what with Sansa being the daughter of a dead traitor. Everyone jumps on board this plan, including the Gods apparently. So Joffrey is free to follow his "heart" and wed the incredibly unlucky Margery. Sansa is thrilled to be free at last, but Lord Petyr Baelish has some conciliatory words for her about how Joffrey still gets to knock her around and maybe knock her up. Yeah, he's not going to send her home, but Baelish offers to help her for the sake of his old friendships. For once Sansa's refusal to accept help comes across as street smart.
Varys the eunuch is up to something. He strikes a deal with the madam of Baelish's brothel, but we don’t know why yet.
Brienne is still saddled with Jamie Lannister who won't stop talking and for some reason won't do us all a favor and shut his yap permanently. The only thing that shuts him up momentarily is the sight of three women hanging from a tree. Three Stark soldiers claim they gave at least two of them quick deaths. Brianne returns the favor and kills two quickly when one of them recognizes Jamie Lannister.
Robb Stark got laid once and is now ready to toss over his betrothed and her bridge for True Love. So he marries her. Now they're never going to get a bridge.
Stannis Baratheon is pretty peeved at the scary red lady for her failure to deliver the Iron Throne. He won't kill her, though, because you know, shadow babies. He does finally feel some guilt over sending Old Smoky to kill his brother, though. Red Sonja promises that he'll still be king. Then they stare at the fire without protective eye gear until they see spots. Magic!Over at Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy is surrounded by an army and some would-be Horatio Hornblower. The sleep deprivation makes Theon open up to Maester Luwin about how much it sucked to be a prisoner all those years and his daddy issues. Maester Luwin wants Theon to run, but Theon can't go home, so Maester Luwin tells him to head north and join the Nightwatch where he will be beyond the law. It's a good speech, but Theon rushes outside and incites his men to break the siege. Instead they knock him out, put a bag on his head and head for home, spearing the Maester on the way out.
Daenerys is on a dragon hunt in the House of the Undying. Only problem? It's a maze filled with dark magic, but at least Daenerys gets to hang out with Khal Drogo for awhile. When she leaves him, she finds her dragons and a few more of the creepy weirdos who capture her. Daenerys isn't very happy about that, so she has her dragons set the room on fire. Once freed she takes the key off the neck of the King of Qarth and reveals his treasure to be… nothing. She locks him in the empty treasure room and takes all his gold and jewels to buy a ship.
Arya Stark and her friends are roaming the country under the watchful eye of the Friendly Assassin Jaqen H'ghar. He tempts her to go learn to be an assassin, too, but she remains steadfast in her mission to find her family. Before they part Jaqen gives her a coin and a magic phrase to use in a time of need. Then he changes into someone else entirely, as one does, and walks off.
Winterfell is decimated. The dying Maester tells the boys to go north to the wall and look for Jon, who will keep them safe until they can find Robb and their mother. Well, Jon would, if he hadn't been captured by wildlings beyond the wall. In a scheme to infiltrate the wildlings, Qhorin Halfhand picks a fight with Jon and the wildlings let them fight until Jon slays him. They free Jon because they think he's an oathbreaker. He's going to meet King Mance Rayder. But none of it really matters because an army of wildlings is at the wall and at least half of them are already dead.
When I was asked to fill in on Game of Thrones, I had no idea that it was the season finale. How could they wrap up all the many loose ends dangling like a traitor's body on a tree? Fear not, gentle readers, this is George R.R. Martin. These loose ends won't wrap up for at least another 17,000 pages when everyone is dead and reanimated as one of Mance Rayder's wraiths and then it will start all over as a great Game of Thrones/Walking Dead crossover and long-dead Robb will be wandering around saying, "Shit, where's Carl?" Let us now raise our Valerian steel swords and race to the front of this recap.
So where were we? Oh right: The Tyrells and the Lannisters teamed up thanks to Lord Baelish and saved King's Landing. They arrived just in time to see Tyrion get slashed by one of Cersei's minions as revenge for being a pint-sized pain in her ass. Also 'cause she sucks at being a decent human being. Cersei was just about to kill her kinglet (not Joffrey, sadly) but her daddy stopped her just in time. Elsewhere Daenerys is still looking for her dragons but no matter how many times she yells, "Waaaaaaaaaaaalllllttttttttt!" they just don't answer. (Mandatory LOL at all Lost jokes.) Robb doesn't give a damn about a bridge because underneath that armor he's still a boy, and the boobs of the present are more important than the bridge of the future or something. Don't look at me, Maester Luwin taught him that. Sansa still miserable, Arya is out of the castle but also still miserable, Bran and Rickon are still in hiding, and Theon Greyjoy still probably smells like wee. Is that it? Close enough. Enough reminiscing, let's get recapping.
You'll be glad to know that everyone's favorite imp, Tyrion Lannister, is still alive. He awakens in a cramped room, wrapped in dirty bandages, with a slash across his face and his attitude in full gear. Much to his dismay Maester Pycelle is looming over him and leering a little bit. Tyrion calls for Podrick, the loyal squire who skewered Cersei's assassin saving Tyrion's life, and orders him to go tell everyone that he's alive. Pycelle smirks again and tells Tyrion that everyone knows, but since he's no longer the Hand of the King, no one cares. Daddy Lannister is back and he's taking charge. Tyrion looks pretty bummed, a point that is confirmed when a horse's bum appears on the screen.
And then it poops. Don't laugh. Everybody poops. I do wonder (don't email me about this) how they got the shot of the horse's arse dropping a load though. Did they just feed him a bunch of apples and Ex-Lax, set up a camera on the poop deck, and wait? Is that what the Best Boy does on a film crew? Anyway the horse's ass is attached to a horse being ridden into the throne room by Tywin Lannister. Joffrey is sitting on the Iron Throne and making grand proclamations. Tywin is named the savior of the city and the Hand of the King. Lord Baelish is called up next and thanked for his unification of the houses of Lannister and Tyrell. Joffrey grants Littlefinger the City of Baltimore and a guest spot on The Wire. [Note: Varys: "Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" -- Rachel.]