When I was asked to fill in on Game of Thrones, I had no idea that it was the season finale. How could they wrap up all the many loose ends dangling like a traitor's body on a tree? Fear not, gentle readers, this is George R.R. Martin. These loose ends won't wrap up for at least another 17,000 pages when everyone is dead and reanimated as one of Mance Rayder's wraiths and then it will start all over as a great Game of Thrones/Walking Dead crossover and long-dead Robb will be wandering around saying, "Shit, where's Carl?" Let us now raise our Valerian steel swords and race to the front of this recap.
So where were we? Oh right: The Tyrells and the Lannisters teamed up thanks to Lord Baelish and saved King's Landing. They arrived just in time to see Tyrion get slashed by one of Cersei's minions as revenge for being a pint-sized pain in her ass. Also 'cause she sucks at being a decent human being. Cersei was just about to kill her kinglet (not Joffrey, sadly) but her daddy stopped her just in time. Elsewhere Daenerys is still looking for her dragons but no matter how many times she yells, "Waaaaaaaaaaaalllllttttttttt!" they just don't answer. (Mandatory LOL at all Lost jokes.) Robb doesn't give a damn about a bridge because underneath that armor he's still a boy, and the boobs of the present are more important than the bridge of the future or something. Don't look at me, Maester Luwin taught him that. Sansa still miserable, Arya is out of the castle but also still miserable, Bran and Rickon are still in hiding, and Theon Greyjoy still probably smells like wee. Is that it? Close enough. Enough reminiscing, let's get recapping.
You'll be glad to know that everyone's favorite imp, Tyrion Lannister, is still alive. He awakens in a cramped room, wrapped in dirty bandages, with a slash across his face and his attitude in full gear. Much to his dismay Maester Pycelle is looming over him and leering a little bit. Tyrion calls for Podrick, the loyal squire who skewered Cersei's assassin saving Tyrion's life, and orders him to go tell everyone that he's alive. Pycelle smirks again and tells Tyrion that everyone knows, but since he's no longer the Hand of the King, no one cares. Daddy Lannister is back and he's taking charge. Tyrion looks pretty bummed, a point that is confirmed when a horse's bum appears on the screen.
And then it poops. Don't laugh. Everybody poops. I do wonder (don't email me about this) how they got the shot of the horse's arse dropping a load though. Did they just feed him a bunch of apples and Ex-Lax, set up a camera on the poop deck, and wait? Is that what the Best Boy does on a film crew? Anyway the horse's ass is attached to a horse being ridden into the throne room by Tywin Lannister. Joffrey is sitting on the Iron Throne and making grand proclamations. Tywin is named the savior of the city and the Hand of the King. Lord Baelish is called up next and thanked for his unification of the houses of Lannister and Tyrell. Joffrey grants Littlefinger the City of Baltimore and a guest spot on The Wire. [Note: Varys: "Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" -- Rachel.]