Game of Thrones
Valar Morghulis

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | 5 USERS: A+
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All's Well That Ends With Wildling Hoards

Robb wants to talk to his mommy. He's still mad at her for freeing his MVP (most valuable prisoner) but when it comes to matters of the heart, boys need their mamas. He sits in her tent begging for her approval to toss over Walder Frey's daughter and her bridge for the love of his life Talisa who is Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter. I mean can you imagine the YouTube hits that marriage would get? So much better than some bridge and a sacred vow. Lady Stark reminds him that Walder Frey is a dangerous man, but Robb doesn't care so she tries a different tact. Has she mentioned that his father didn't love her when they first married? Robb looks almost interested as she tries to convince him that sacred vows and the weight of tradition make for better, longer marriages than one's based on boring old love. She adds that if he starts recklessly breaking vows, his men may follow in his footsteps. Robb thinks about it for a second and then shrugs. He is still marrying Talisa. His father is dead and the only parent he has left has no right to speak of recklessness. Cat looks like she's been slapped as Robb walks out of the tent.

Stannis Baratheon has clearly been doing some journaling because he is very in touch with his feelings right now. He is not happy about his defeat. But his armor is on so tight he isn't thinking clearly and doesn't see the loss as his own. He instead blames Red Sonia, because she saw his victory in the flames. He should never have trusted her or her god. She kind of shrugs it off, so he chokes the living shit out of her, squeezing so tightly you wonder if another smoke baby is imminent. Stannis chokes her some more and then gets bored of it. He drops her on the floor and then after admits that he feels guilty about killing his brother. She comforts him for his loss and promises him that he will be king. The war will be long, many will die, but he will be king. The talking fire said so. Stannis stares into the flames for awhile and then when his eyes really dry out, he too sees something in the fire. Maybe Visine? Maybe just Ben Stein.

Theon Greyjoy is also very in touch with his feelings. And what does he feel? That he wants to kill Horatio Hornblower. Well maybe not specifically Horatio Hornblower, but he definitely wants to take down the hornblower who keeps blowing his horn every few minutes not because the sheep's in the meadow and the cow's in the corn, but in order to keep the denizens of Winterfell awake. It's a siege tactic, you see, Maester Luwin reminds Theon, but Theon doesn't need the reminder. He just needs to kill the twerp. The lack of sleep is making Theon very moody, and a moody Theon means thinking about memories. Like the first time he ever came to Winterfell and how the place looked like it had been there forever. Maester Luwin nods and reminds him that Ned Stark went out of his way to make Theon feel at home. Theon spits out that his captors were very kind to their prisoner. Maester Luwin sort of gets it, but I completely relate. After all, I was an exchange student to France. So, yeah, I totally get it when Theon tells Luwin how awful it is to be constantly told how lucky you are to be a prisoner, how kind your captors are, how much you should appreciate that fortnightly bath you get. And then it's worse when you go to your real home and your dad is a toothless old dick who yells at you.

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Game of Thrones

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