Game of Thrones
What Is Dead May Never Die

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B | 5 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Who's That Giant Lady?

Cersei and her non-Joffrey children eat food together. Quietly. The party consists of Cersei, (Queen Regent and all-around evil person), Myrcella (Cersei's daughter), Tommen (Cersei's younger son), and Sansa Stark (currently a hostage, but also King Joffrey's fiancée). Everyone but Sansa is officially a Baratheon, since Cersei was married to Robert Baratheon when the kids were born. But everyone knows they're pure Lannister.

Myrcella wants to know when Joffrey and Sansa will be married. Sansa eats quietly, so Cersei explains that it will happen after the war against Sansa's traitorous brother and mother. Myrcella accepts this and moves on to the important topic of what gowns everyone will wear. Sansa doesn't participate in this discussion, which is a shame. Talking about what gown she wants to wear when she marries the king used to be her favorite hobby. Cersei prods her to say something and she quickly claims that she's counting the days until she can pledge her love to the king. She's clearly been taught to recite that speech when asked. The next question involves whether Joffrey intends to kill Sansa's brother. Maybe he will! Cersei's kids are remarkably cold-blooded about this discussion. Cersei says that even if Joffrey kills Robb, Sansa will still do her duty: "Won't you, little dove?" Sansa looks thoughtful.

In her chambers (which are actually pretty nice), Sansa looks into a clouded mirror. I don't know if that's supposed to by symbolic. It seems like it should be, but I can't imagine what. It could be just that we're supposed to notice that they don't have nice mirrors like us. Her new handmaiden comes in and it's Shae! You remember, Tyrion's hired companion? We talked about her earlier in this recap? Right. She has no idea what a handmaiden does, which Sansa discovers almost immediately. Shae just stands there awkwardly and asks what Sansa wants her to do. Sansa is taken aback and lists a bunch of duties that handmaidens usually attend to. But Shae can't just go around emptying the chamber pot, since it's already empty. Sansa asks about Shae's previous handmaidening experience and immediately identifies the alleged "Lady Zuriff" as a fake. Shae asks if Sansa wants her to leave and Sansa decides she'd like her hair brushed. Even if you're a hostage, there's no point in throwing away a perfectly good handmaiden.

Tyrion visits Grand Maester Pycelle. I love that he's called "Grand Maester" because it reminds me of the days when rappers had cool titles like "Grand Master Melle Mel." There needs to be a nerdcore rapper whose name starts with "Grand Maester." Pycelle is King's Landing's local wise man, which you can tell from his big white beard and that chain that all the Maesters have. You can also tell it from the mysterious potion he's giving to Tyrion, which will hopefully fix the problem Tyrion's got where he says he hasn't been able to "take a proper shit in days." Now I'm worried that maybe I haven't either. I mean, how do I know if it's been proper enough? Pycelle is also on the Small Council, which means that Tyrion has a secret plan to tell him about. He says that the crown must seal new alliances, which means that he's going to trust him with secret plans that the queen must not know. The plan is to marry Myrcella off to House Martell of Dorne. And Tyrion insists that it's absolutely vital that the queen not know.

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Game of Thrones

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