Game of Thrones

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 10 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
I Got You a Box of Snakes

Okay, let's check the cast of characters. Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Cat Stark, five children, one of which is Bran. And this one's name is Snow and he's explicitly not a Stark. Got all that? Let's keep going!

Down to King's Landing, which is the Capital of the Seven Kingdoms. It has a bell tower! I don't know for sure that the bell tower is important, but it's the first thing we see, so I assume it's like the Eiffel Tower or Pike Place Market. That's the place in Seattle where they throw fish. My point is that whenever a television show goes to Seattle, it's the first thing they show. Just like this bell tower in King's Landing. Then we go where the action is, if by "action" you mean "monks in a giant hallway filled with candles and incense." That's what "action" means, right? Oh, skip it. There's a dead body here, which is important because there hasn't been any death for like two minutes. There are stones on his eyes, and the stones have large, comical eyes painted on them. It's less solemn than I was expecting, what with all the candles and monks.

Because it's a giant room, there are picturesque railings for people to watch the ceremony from. And that's exactly what's happening! A blonde lady is joined by a blonde gentleman, who informs her that he's her brother and that she worries too much. "And you never worry about anything," she answers. He once jumped off a cliff, you know. Their father scolded him, saying, "Lannisters don't act like fools." These, then, are Lannisters. She's worried that Jon Arryn might have told someone. Told them what? She doesn't say. But she does mention that her husband, the king, is someone that might have been told. Her brother feels confident that that didn't happen, since they're both still alive and not decapitated to decorate the front gates. The brother says, "And Robert will choose a new hand of the king, someone to do his job while he's out fucking boars and hunting whores. Or is it the other way around?" She thinks he should be the hand of the king, but he says, "Their days are too long; their lives are too short."

Back to Winterfell. A raven lands on one of the outside walls. Lady Stark finds Lord Stark in a lovely, green, tree-filled area. It might be a copse, but I'm not willing to commit to that. She tells him she still feels like an outsider here, but he says she's got five Northern children, which makes her basically a Northerner herself. The raven turns out to be the bearer of mail from the south. The news is that Jon Arryn is dead from a fever, and that King Robert is riding for Winterfell with The Queen and The Rest of Them. Lord Stark knows what he's after, and Lady Stark says, "You can always say no, Ned."

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Game of Thrones

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