Game of Thrones

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Monty Ashley: A- | 10 USERS: A
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I Got You a Box of Snakes

The king moves down the line to the young man, telling him he must be Robb. Well, I'm not one to contradict the king, so Robb it is. We have names for four of the five Stark children! The king makes Bran show off his nonexistent muscles. When the brother from the King's Landing scene takes off his helmet, Arya helpfully tells Sansa that he's Jaime Lannister, the queen's twin brother. Sansa still wants Arya to shut up, but I find her helpful. Do you think she can find an excuse to tell someone the name of her little brother? Oh, the hell with it: it's Rickon. Rickon, Bran, Arya, Sansa, Robb. Okay? The queen looks around unhappily and comes over to have the king kiss her hand. He does so, then announces, "Take me to the crypt. I wanna show my respects." The queen is not thrilled about this, saying, "We've been riding for a month. Surely the dead can wait." Nope! With a "Ned!" the king is off, leaving the queen and Lady Stark staring at each other. Arya still wants to know where the imp is. The queen asks Jaime where their brother is and tells him to go find the little beast.

Lord Stark and the King walk through a torch-lined crypt. They reminisce about Jon Arryn and use the word "fuck" so you know it's HBO. The king, who I suspect prides himself on being blunt and direct, says, "I need you, Ned. Down at King's Landing. Not up here where you're no damn use to anybody. Lord Eddard Stark, I would name you the Hand of the King." Stark kneels and claims he's not worthy. The king's having none of that. "I'm not trying to honor you. I'm trying to get you to run my kingdom while I eat, drink and whore myself to an early grave. Dammit, Ned, stand up. You helped me win the Iron Throne, now help me keep the damn thing. We were meant to rule together. If your sister had lived, we'd have been bound by blood. Well, it's not too late. I have a son. You have a daughter. We'll join our houses." He walks farther down the crypt and Eddard follows.

Jaime Lannister swans about the village in his fancy armor. A little person played by Peter Dinklage gets drunk and a blowjob, in that order. The young lady administering to him is naked. Because HBO. They move over to the bed and she helpfully tells him that Winterfell is currently host to the king, the queen, and the queen's twin brother, who's the most handsome man in the Seven Kingdoms. He tells her the queen has two brothers: "There's the pretty one and the clever one." "I hear they call him the Imp." "I hear he hates that nickname." Then she accuses him of being a drunken, perverted lecher, which goes over much better. She also calls him Lord Tyrion, which is nice of her. As she mounts him (HBO!), Jaime enters unexpectedly "Should I explain to you the meaning of a closed door in a whorehouse, brother?" snarks Tyrion. Jamie explains that the Starks are feasting them at sundown and the queen would like him to attend. And Jaime doesn't want to be left alone. Tyrion explains that he's got a lot of whoring planned, so Jamie lets three more prostitutes in. "See you at sundown." "Close the door!"

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Game of Thrones

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