There's a scene now which qualifies as probably the most awesome thing that has so far happened, but is hard to describe. Basically, the Humvees all drive over a hill. I mean, I can't tell you why it is so awesome, but it hits that nerve that causes your kids to beg for that DVD that's three hours of construction trucks moving dirt around. It is viscerally satisfying, not to say fucking thrilling, to watch a bunch of Humvees climb up a hill and go over it. You either understand this statement or you do not; the person who edited this footage clearly understands why this is totally awesome.

Less awesome: the actual conquering, which involves a lot of driving onto the empty airfield where people are not, shooting wildly into the nonexistent nothingness, for about a year, even though there are no bad guys or in fact people of any kind anywhere near the airfield, which is totally abandoned, which is what fucking happens when you scrap recon altogether and drive a bunch of excellent Humvees over a fabulous hill into the unknown.

Captain America -- see, he understands about the trucks coming over the hill for real, he lives there, it's the one brain cell that actually works -- runs out with his fucking bayonet deployed, shooting at nothing but scraps of random metal and doing this hilarious three-steps-forward, wave his men (who are totally disinterested and seated comfortably watching him spazz out) forward, three more steps, wave the men, all, "Follow my tracers!" Follow them where, you enormous dildo? Onto the empty pavement of the wide-open parking lot you are currently conquering? He's like the Aryan version of Don Quixote, plus a lobotomy. I've never seen those romance shows on VH-1 where the people try to date someone disgusting, but that's what he reminds me of. I think ... that I am falling in gay love with Captain America.

"Can you believe that fucking retard is in charge of people?" asks Ray. He comes running back with his eyes crossed screaming about how his team needs to engage these random civilian huts that are 3000 meters away, doing nothing but minding their own business while a bunch of white people act like fuckheads on the tarmac. The gunner's like, "That's more than 3000 meters away? Range of my fifty is 1830?" Captain America has no time for your mathematical faggotry! Captain America wants to shoot guns! At things! Now! Engage! Engage! Engage! He runs off to do who knows what, something awesome, and Kocher's like, "Yeah, no. Have a snack."