I hear this noise that sounds like dolphins playing in the mist. Oh. Clay just told Ferret some sort of joke in the School Without Classes. They walk off so we can see Martyr Meghan lamenting by her locker, wearing what appears to be a coat from Ever After. She's standing next to Slut Girl. "Dying inside?" Slut Girl asks. "Do you know everything that goes on around here?" Meghan moans, as if she didn't have Slut Girl at her house every minute of this whole fiasco. "A sad result of spending too much time in the hallway and too little time in the classroom." Hey, it's not her fault. No one is in a classroom right now. The strange thing is all of these "classmates" are always walking around this school, but they are never talking to each other. You always only hear whatever conversation a Green member is having. Slut Girl recommends a rebound fling for Meghan. Like this girl wasn't going to get a new boyfriend in three minutes, anyway. After the three tears shed over Soul Patch Boy we got all of nine seconds of misery over Dan. Remember the one guy she lost when everyone thought she was pregnant? Me neither. I can't believe we've spent this long on Clay. Meghan says she is interested in someone for like a "one date" kind of thing. Slut Girl asks if it could be a "two date kind of thing." Meghan says that Slut Girl is the expert. Meow.
Okay. Prepare yourselves. The next fifty minutes contain some of the worst television cheese I've ever heard. I'm going to try to write it all down because I need you to know what kind of hell I go through. I'm not making this stuff up.
As Meghan walks off we see Cameron shut his locker and start walking down the hall. He's not looking where he's going, and he accidentally bumps into the shoulder of another person. A book falls. Cameron squats down to pick it up and says, "Sorry about that, man." A boot with an eight-inch jean cuff steps on the grocery-bag book cover. It covers up some sticker on the book that I think was a Care Bear. We pan up to Midlife Sideburns Guy. He sneers at Cameron from an extreme close-up. "What do you got, some kind of death wish?" Cameron: "What is your deal, bro? I was just trying to help out." Midlife Sideburns Guy: "Here's the deal. Don't. Help." Cameron: "Fine. Not helping." Cameron starts to walk away but Midlife Sideburns Guy hits him in the back on his backpack like he's twelve. Cameron circles back to ask, "What is your problem?" We have to suffer another close-up as Midlife Sideburns Guy hisses, "Name is Trent. Sssssykes." You can tell he means that to sound all tough and mean, but it comes out like when you were seven and you told your friend that she could eat your cupcake at lunch and then when she went to grab it you pulled it away and hissed, "Psssssyche!" Then Trent actually says, "And maybe you're the one with the problem." And maybe you're the...one...you're the...yeah. Cameron licks his lips and looks to the right so we can see Principal Foreshadowing looming fifty yards away near a pack of silent milling teens. Cool Cam busts out, "I am so not craving conflict right now? So I'm gonna let this one slide." Cameron walks off, but Midlife Sideburns Guy isn't through. He calls out to Cameron's back, "I knew you'd grow up to be a wuss." And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, I seriously have to debate if all of this is worth it. I mean, it's one the thing to tra-la-la in here once a week or so and maybe peruse these recaps, but it's certainly another to force myself to watch this video vomit every time FOX airs another piece of garbage. "Wuss"? What the hell? Next is he going to knock Cam down and sit on his chest and threaten to drop a spit wad on his face? Is this what teen dramas have been reduced to? Pre-teen Rubber-and-Glue? It's not worth it. It's really not. So why am I laughing? It's to keep me from looking for sharp objects to Oedipus Rex myself. Anyway, so Trent "Sandbox" Sykes busts out with that burner, and Cameron has to stall for a second on the staircase to recoil. We hear Meghan giggling and cooing, "Stop it!" Cameron turns around. Sykes is there, all cuddled up next to her. He hadn't even finished saying the word "wuss" before he had moved in on "Clay Who?" They giggle in a silent shot, as Cameron looks on stunned. I'm stunned, too. Sykes moves faster than lightning, yo. Take a tip from Trent Sykes. He can woo what he likes. I recall he started small. You've gotta mack a brat kid or two. Fade to white.