Get Real
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Pamie: D | Grade It Now!
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We cut to Cameron slamming Sideburns into a fence. They roll around on the fence with their teeth clenched. Fence slam. Fence slam. Fence slam. There's a lot of sand-kicking and half-nelsons. They yell in strain.

Principal Foreshadowing stands in the middle of the wet field. They have him at such a distance that they've finally successfully made him look like Morgan Freeman.

Cam and Sideburns hurl themselves into a pile of trash bags and trashcans. They struggle on the ground as the "techno" music chants, "You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece of me?"

The students continue to cheer on their hippie athlete. The Hacky Sack might make two hundred bounces!

Cam and Sideburns are covered in sand and are rolling around clutching each other. Again, if you want to film good homoerotica, then you've got to show us what the hands are doing. I need to see some sweat. Dammit, this is all wrong. At least give me one butt shot. They just keep filming shoulders and backs. Shoulders and backs. Tops of heads. Jaw. Jaw. Shoe.

Meghan hugs Ferret goodbye, so I assume she's just not going to wait around anymore. No sex, no fighting. What a crappy night for Meghan. Clay watches Meghan leave but Ferret doesn't notice.

Fighting continues at the Little League of Their Own. Shot of boot. Shot of shoe. Cameron looks hurt. He kicks Sideburns in the stomach, and he goes flying.

Principal Foreshadowing still looks both ways in the empty, watery field. How long does this scene have to go on? Principal Foreshadowing walks off. Behind him, in the distance, we see Sideburns hit the fence. I grab my Visine, open the nozzle, and dump the bottle into my eye to get my eyeball unstuck from my cerebellum.

Dumb Plot Three: Victor and Kenny have moved on to a diner, where they are drooling over desserts. The clock says it's seven. Hire a continuity person, people. Kenny tells Victor he's always been jealous of Victor's dog. Kenny says their dog just sits there but Victor's dog does tricks. I think that Victor is jealous of Kenny's dog because it gets more screen time than he does, and that dog was only in the first episode. Victor says that he feels lucky to be Kenny's friend. He loves him. He prays that they'll be friends forever. Kenny wishes he could be more like Victor. Victor says he loves Kenny. Kenny says he loves Victor. Victor says he's always been attracted to Mary.

How was that comic relief, kids? You ready to go back to the "real world" now? Where boys are mean and want to fight? Principal Foreshadowing is standing at the bottom of the bleachers. Cam stands at the top. He has on those sunglasses from earlier. There are no more students anywhere. Principal Foreshadowing says he heard there was going to be a fight. Oh, I'm not transcribing this scene moment by moment because you've gotta know how it goes. They talk "hypothetically." Cam says of course there wouldn't be a fight because someone could get in trouble. Principal says that the announcement of the fight would be a good idea because they could cause a distraction and fight somewhere else without getting in trouble. Cameron plays coy. Principal plays dumb. They say that in fights there aren't any winners. Cameron says to us that in this case there sure was a loser: "And it sure as hell wasn't me." He picks up his hood like L.L Cool J in "Mama Said Knock You Out." I know who the loser is, Cam. Me. For watching this entire hour of television.

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Get Real

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