Mary walks over to Cam and hangs up the phone (which I guess she's been holding since the last scene) and asks Cam where his skateboard is. You know, I skated for a year or so, and my mother never noticed when I wasn't carrying that thing. Cam says his board got stolen and Mary gets too upset about it. She hugs him and apologizes. She says she never liked that thing anyway. Cam and Mitch watch her walk away. "Hormones?" "Hormones." Oh, will that pregnancy humor ever get old? No, sir. We've got months more, kids. Buckle up. Mary stumbles back and forth for a bit in the doorway, because pregnant women have a tendency to get lost inside their homes all of the time. Cam asks Mitch what they can do about her and Mitch says that they "should say that she's right about everything for the next seven months." Har dee friggin' har, asshole. Mitch asks Cam what's going on. Cameron explains that there's this kid messing with him at school and that he thinks the guy broke into his locker and stole his things. He forgets to mention to Mitch that the kid is a bully they stole from a 1976 ABC Afterschool Special. He doesn't get a chance, though, as Meghan and (guess who?) come waltzing down the staircase. Meghan gets a reminder about curfew. Sideburns Eddie Haskells that he has a curfew as well. Cameron's mouth is agape. Mary walks up and hugs Cam. She says that if he needs help buying a new skateboard she'll help him out. "Dude! What happened to your board?" He flips his giant head to convey he has "no idea" what's going on because he's so "innocent." Psycho Sideburns is laying it on thick. Cameron's mouth is still all open. He says someone stole it from his locker. "No!" Sideburns shouts loud enough that you can tell he took the line reading from James Spader in Pretty In Pink. He continues with his Seventies Sleaze: "Some people just have no sense of boundaries." He leans in towards Cameron on "boundaries" so that the anvil falls out of his wide lapels and onto my toe. It's got appliqués on it, and is covered in Aqua Net. Sideburn's handbook also falls out but he snatches it back before I can steal it from him. In So, You're Playing A One-Episode Bad Boyfriend Since You Didn't Get That Part In Hair, Sideburns was on Chapter Three: "Parents Think You're Way Cool While That Dorkimungous Brother Has To Drool." Sideburns is starting to look like Erik Estrada in ChiPs. He walks off with Meghan, but not before he gives the "Nobody saw this but you and me" shoulder strike, which whips Cameron around and catches his big ol' ears off-guard. Mitch asks Cameron if he knows that Sideburns used to live in Europe. Grease drips off Cameron's hair and into his open mouth. He whips around with a quiet "What?" and bolts up to his room. Man, I wish I was making all this crap up, but I'm not. Someone wrote that last scene. Someone else read it and thought it was a good idea. Someone after that cast it. They set up a stage for it. They picked costumes. The actors learned lines. They all got together and said those words out loud. Someone else recorded it. Someone after that pieced it all together according to someone else's "vision." At no point did any of these people stop and say, "No, really, we can't print this shit. This is awful. I really can't live with myself if we pass this off as programming."
To continue the Bad Boyfriend Cliché, Sideburns is now putting on Kenny's Risky Business shades while checking his reflection in a picture of Kenny, Cameron and Meghan on the wall. He flicks his head to the side and says, "Nice." Like he's Iceman or something. "You been here all day?" Cameron asks. I guess he has the power to teleport around just like Sideburns. "Yeah, I'm moving in," Sideburns says, but his mouth doesn't move. Don't worry, that's just the editing. It's as bad as Sideburns's...well, sideburns. Cam asks, "Who are you?" "I think, if you think about it, you'll remember." Cam says he thinks Sideburns had better stay away from his family. Sideburns props his feet up on a table and picks up some giant remote control for a car or something, and he starts playing with it, but there's no car running around. "I don't know," he says like a Generic Bad Guy, "you think? I mean, I see your brother, and I see someone who needs a brother. And I see your sister --" Apparently the remote control is for Cameron, who suddenly pulls the table towards him, knocking Sideburns's feet away. "You're crossing the line there, tough guy." "I see someone who needs someone to talk to, rely on, have fun with." Cam rips the remote control from Sideburns's hands and says that Meghan was having plenty of fun before Sideburns got there. Ew. Meghan walks in and asks if they are "getting along." "Like two old pals," Sideburns says. "Yeah, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside," Cameron sneers. "Okay," Meghan sighs. Don't think I didn't notice this is the original script for Tango and Cash, by the way. Meghan asks if Sideburns is ready to go. He looks straight at her vagina for five seconds and then says, "Wow. You look incredible." She grins her boy-winning grin and thanks him. "You can tell me in French later," she says. Cameron gives this gross-out face that echoes my thoughts of "Don't stare at her vagina and then say the word 'French.'" Sideburns leers at Cameron and says, "Don't wait up," as we go to a close-up of him placing his hand on the curve of Meghan's ass. Music plays in the background that I recognize as the music from the sex scenes in Risky Business. Sideburns stuffs his hand in the pocket of Meghan's jeans to complete the Eighties flashback as we zoom into Cameron's angry forehead vein. Sideburns gives another backward glance at Cameron. Either we're really overdoing the Seventies/Eighties Bad Guy or Sideburns actually has a crush on Cameron and is trying to get him jealous. I am mercifully treated to my first commercial break.
Outside the School Without Classes, Ferret, Meghan and Sideburns are walking past "No Skateboarding" signs discussing how Cameron was "a little head-trippy." Sideburns says that he understands why Cam would do that; he was just protecting his sister. Five-note Get Real jingle mixes effortlessly with the Testosterone Guitar. Ferret is wearing a series of blue pipe cleaners glued to a bra. She says that Sideburns reminds her so much of Clay and that the four of them should all go out on a date sometime. Meghan hair flips around and gives Ferret the "You really come up with some crappy ideas" sneer. Sideburns asks who this Clay person is. Ferret explains that he's her boyfriend. More "For now" snarls from ME-ghan. "At least he was, as of yesterday," Ferret moans. "You know, guys," she ferrets, as if each and every day in a relationship is a guessing game of commitment. "Well, I know any guy would be crazy not to grab onto you and hold on forever," Sideburns actually says. Ferret ferrets that she's gonna go find Clay and remind him how great she is. She walks off. Sideburns's kleptomania is truly out of hand; he has now raided Meghan's closet, and he's wearing one of her periwinkle turtleneck sweaters. Who dresses like this? Meghan comments that Sideburns is just great to everyone in her life. Sideburns asks whether that makes her nervous. She says it does because there's this guy that she used to like and now she can't like him anymore and she doesn't know if she like, like-likes Sideburns, or if she just likes him or what. You know the story. Sideburns offers to back off a bit. Meghan asks if he'll just be patient and let her lead. "As long as I can follow," he whispers. He leans in and kisses her, and you see him make eye contact with Cameron, who is like, half a mile away. They stare at each other while Sideburns mugs Meghan. Creepy. Weird. Not buying it.