She takes off after Clay yelling for him to slow down. Hey, you joined him, girlie. Clay sits in front of his house as Meghan clomps up to join him. For some reason Clay is in a voice-over saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, Meghan Green crosses the finish line." I guess I wasn't supposed to know it was a voice-over, but Clay's mouth wasn't moving. Meghan says that he's really serious about "this running thing," and Clay says that he runs ten miles a day to keep in shape for cross-country. She says that this is the most painful thing that she's ever done, so why would he do this? "Because I can," he snarks. (I think I'm supposed to mention to you guys that Clay is played by Scott Vickaryous, who played Max Ballard on Breaker High. Apparently that means something to the Canadians. My Canadian television viewing ended when Nickelodeon cancelled Fifteen.) After Clay's pithy statement, he opens the door to his house. Meghan looks in and sees a woman in a wheelchair working on a computer. I don't see a computer, but we hear keyboard noises so that we can infer that's what she's doing. "Hey, Mom! I'm, uh, gonna get ready for school." Meghan's hair is confused as Clay slams the door in her face. If I remember, Meghan should remember. Clay met Ferret when Ferret's mom helped his mom recover after her horrible car accident. Remember? Of course we do.
Clay's door turns into paneling in the World's Largest Kitchen as Mary gets off the phone and Mitch walks into the house. Mary asks him to pick a name from her Santa hat for a gift exchange, but Mitch is too busy thinking about his own problems. He's mad because a letter was returned to him. Apparently it's from his brother, and even though he's used to not getting any cards from him, the least his brother could do was send a forwarding address. Hey, Mitch, since you never really think of anybody but yourself, and this is the first time we've ever heard of you having a brother, why would you expect everyone to call? Remember your dead best friend? Why aren't you inviting their family over for Christmas? Just a suggestion. Mary stands and asks Kenny to pick a name. She starts walking around looking in pots and pans as Meghan walks in. Kenny asks if Meghan went running and she says she did, and that if he finds her lungs on the street she'd like them back. Ha.
Mary starts yelling that she cannot find the Scotch tape and if someone in the house is going to borrow something that she's using, then the least they could do is return it. Kenny tells her that it's in her hand. She says "oh." Meghan and Kenny share a "Mom's turning into the grandmother from Parenthood" look. Oh, and remember, Scotch Tape. Scotch Tape. For when you're pregnant and bossy and dammit you just want some people to pick some damn names out of a damn hat. Is that too damn much to ask? Mary tells Cameron to pick a name, "and if you get me, no Limp Bizkit CD, please." How hip are these people, I ask you? I mean with the constant pop culture references, whose World's Largest Kitchen is this: the Green family, or Dennis Miller's? Elizabeth picks a name. Cameron says that he got Kenny. "Great. I'm Grinched." Cameron says that he gets great gifts. Kenny scoffs. "Relax. Big Brother's gonna treat you right," Cameron bastardizes the English language to say. "Oh, like you treated Dad last year?" "What? That was a great shirt." "Which you're wearing right now," Mitch mumbles. Kenny laughs. "Hey, my gifts rock." "They're lame." Cameron says that Kenny had better be careful, "Or Santa's gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on you, boy!" He puts Kenny in the brotherly headlock as the rest of the family (and me) begs him to stop. "Kenny, you've got to stop picking on your brother," Elizabeth takes it upon herself to say, "and Cameron, I love ya, but your gifts suck." Dear, sweet, sweet Grandma. Voice of an angel. Cameron slaps Kenny and they run off. Flash of white light. Meghan is kissing "Just Friends" Clay until Mary interrupts her fantasy. "You didn't pick a name," Mary says. Meghan looks at Mary with this sheepish grin as if Mary had just caught Meghan masturbating. Flash of white light and opening credits, which are too damn short -- and while we're on the subject, why doesn't this show ever go to commercial after the opening credits?