When David Arquette calls Courteney to tell him that he got the lowest score possible in bowling, do you think she answers, "Oh, Honey! Everyone already knows you're the biggest loser in America!"
Mary is on the phone ordering "ten cases of Dom" because she's the Center of the Universe, dammit, and she just booked another party. She promises to bring a deposit by that afternoon. Meghan is bratting (silently, thank St. Clare) behind her. Meghan is trying to get Mary's attention, but Mary is too busy complaining that MC Lyte doesn't have call waiting "in this day and age." Man, Mary, give the girl a break. Did you buy As Bad As I Wanna Be? Didn't think so. Meghan freaks and gives Mary a "Mom!" of a lifetime and Mary turns towards her. "Did I just like, imagine that you were caught shoplifting?" Mary tells Meghan to calm her bitchy britches down. Meghan says that this is a big deal. Mary promises that if she ever goes to a life of crime it will be for more than "just a candle holder." Is it just a candle holder, Mary? Is it? Mary says that she's glad Meghan was there to put in a good word (which I guess dropped the charges) and that she's happy that Meghan will keep it between the two of them. Mary then realizes that she parked in a completely different location than where she is standing. Oh, how wacky are those pregnant women?
Meanwhile, back at the So We Can Learn Something About the True Nature of Christmas plot, Kenny is talking a dog owner into buying a larger tree so that her dog won't knock it over as easily. He gives Cam the sneer as he says, "The big ones are in the back." Cam sneers back. Cam loads a puny tree on top of a car.
In a very special moment brought to you by Apple, Mitch searches the Internet using his G4 -- get your G4 now before the holidays leave you dry! He's looking for his long-lost brother, of course. Mary asks if she can use the machine, and Mitch shows us the special G4 see-through mouse to minimize the Phone Book window on his Flat Monitor (get yours now!) so quickly that it looks like he was reading www.spreadrealwide.com. Mitch asks how Mary's day was. She says it was uneventful. She kicks the Suitcase of Adultery. She asks whom it's from. He says that it's from "that project engineer." "This is from Laura?" Mitch says it's kind of embarrassing because he didn't get Laura anything. "Honey, you know you can't keep this, right?" Mitch looks at Mary like, "Can't hit my wife now. It's Christmas." He says that he can't give it back because it would embarrass her. Mary says that a gift like that means something. He says that it doesn't mean anything to him. He says he'll never use it. She asks what he'd think if a single man had given her an expensive gift. Mitch: "It's monogrammed!" Mary exhales. "An attractive single man." Mitch says he'll give it back. Mary says that's good because he doesn't want to send the wrong signal. If the signal is "self-absorbed asshole," then don't worry about it. I'm reading it just fine.