"So are we going to run into any other surprises tonight?" Mitch "Honesty and Openness are my best traits" Green says to Mary as she prepares for the reunion. "What?" Mary slams a drawer. "Well, I figured you lied about being a virgin when we met..." "Hold on, Mitch, I thought you were fine with it." "Yeah, well, I guess I'm not." "Just to set the record straight I never told you I was a virgin." Mitch just keeps Jacob Perryhilling until it sounds like she slept with the entire band. Mary calls him on the fact that this was twenty years ago. Um, hello? Issues? He yells that she's a liar, liar pants on fire and then sticks his thumb in his mouth and wets his diaper. Mary asks if this is how he wants to start the reunion. He calls her a fatty, fatty poohead and then pulls her hair. I hear Jacob's name a few more times as Mitch complains that Jacob is going to be there looking at Mary thinking "Hey -- been there, done that." I roll my eyes this time since Meghan isn't around to do it. Mary has an epiphany: "This is not about me and Jacob, is it?" "No?" "No, think it's about you, Mitch. You just can't seem to get over yourself. Mitch. You're insecure about your new business and you're dumping it all on me." Mitch stomps off with his fingers in his ears singing "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! GIRLS ARE STUPID!" while Mary whispers, "Mitch, I'm on your side!" Of course she is.
Cameron is on the Pouting Bench as Elizabeth tells him to scoot over. She asks why he quit scuba. He wonders about her psychic ability. She says if he was enjoying it he'd be bragging all over the place. "It's the first time I ever just choked, Grandma," Cameron says, proving Eric's earlier prediction correct. They've pulled the Homicide camera out for this one and the scene is all jumpy. Long silly scene short: a subtle comparison is drawn to Cameron's fear of getting back in the water and Elizabeth's fear of getting back in the sack. Cameron says "chicken-ass." Elizabeth reminds us that Cameron wants to be an oceanographer. She tells him he's gotta go for it if he really wants it.
Cut to the cool teen party in the cool-teacher's house. She's got Pottery Barn all over the place and each room in the house is a different cool-teacher color. Cool strummy music plays. A girl is talking to Meghan but Meghan is looking over the girl's shoulder as she talks so she can stare at Dan fixing a burger. S.E.L.F.A.B.S.O.R.B.E.D. She leaves the talker and walks over to lick-grinning Dan so that I have to hear the following dialogue: "Severe party, huh?" "Totally." "Yeah, Julia pretty much rocks." "Testify to that." I immediately dial 911 to ask how to put my eyeball back in my head after I roll it so hard that my eyelid turned inside out and popped my eye right out of my skull. They tell me to stop watching Get Real immediately. I tell them I have no choice. They tell me good luck and may God have mercy on my soul. Meghan and Dan are trying to figure out why they broke up. It was her fault, she knows it, he knows it. He lick-smiles. She tries to ask him out and he stops her to say he's seeing someone else. She says that's great. So great. Fucking great. So happy. Who's happy? Dan's happy. And if Dan's happy, who's happy? Meghan's happy. Happy, happy, happy. Her dialogue just becomes a dolphin singing a tune. He thanks her and walks away. She looks down and blinks two times to see if she could squeeze any tears out. Nope. Fade to white.