Welcome to the Get Real pilot, in which the title is repeated twice. How many different film and television ripoffs can we fit in one hour? Get Real takes on that challenge.
The opening credits read like that scene in Poltergeist where everyone is trying to escape the zombie-filled imploding house. Why? I don't know. I assume this will change each week as it seemed to only be here to have a woman shout over and over "Oh God! Oh God!" so that we can then fade to white into this woman who we know as Mary from the previews bouncing up and down with traces of sweat in her Natalie Imbruglia haircut as she continues her chants to God. Is she working out? Is she having a private moment? A few more rowing machine movement clips spliced together as the gospel theme song comes to a climax (pun intended) and a sun-kissed husband rises up to kiss Mary proving that not only is there not an actual erect penis inside her body, but she's doing it with a man who doesn't grow facial hair during the night and whose hair stays perfect while he sleeps. My mind at this point whispers, "This must be a dream. I hope this whole show isn't going to be some sort of dream."
"David, I'm so glad I married you," she says as she kisses him again and bites her lip in an "I'm a sexy mom" sort of way. David kisses Mary under her chin and actually says, "Remember me today," which makes me choke on my cigarette. Cue children walking in, squeaky clean and carrying a tray of food. Parents lean back and smile at their children as if to say, "Sorry we left the door open during our wild lovemaking." And they smile back: "That's okay, guys. If you didn't do it all the time we wouldn't be around in this wonderful world." Oh, yeah, and by now I'm totally aware it's a dream sequence. Girl mumbles something about how they made breakfast. Older boy mumbles something about needing the car and then gives his younger brother Kenny a loving noogie. I hear younger brother's name and pray that there aren't any South Park jokes in this show, because if there are, I'll scream. Kids leave the bedroom, beaming. David tells Mary to stay in bed and he'll take care of everything. She watches his butt as he walks towards the bathroom door. He turns around and stares at the camera long enough that I know I'm supposed to remember that face. Oh, and the theme song is still "oooh"ing in the background. Mary smiles at David and touches her shoulder and looks at it longingly. I see nothing there, and can only assume that she's onto her next dream sequence. She lowers her head to the pillow as the theme music mercifully stops.