Dad is talking to us, but he's really talking to someone else. Brace yourselves, here comes the show's worst line. Off-camera voice: "You've been a wreck all morning." Mitch: "Oh, I don't know. There's, there's something about Mary." As I'm reeling from that horrible joke and bracing myself for more ("When Cameron was in Egypt land..." "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"), we see that the guy talking is David, the man from Mary's fantasy. He tells Mitch to have an affair. He talks about the Laker girl he's screwing. There's a few dumb lines about whether "they" want you to call "them" Orientals or Asians. Doesn't develop character and doesn't make me laugh. Wasted another thirty seconds of my life. David has huge nostrils.
Fade to white on Kenny talking about his best friend Victor as the high school background spins in a circle around him for no reason. Victor's dad left him and his nine brothers and sisters and moved in with some waitress named Amber. For some reason this story makes Kenny giggle as he tells it. To smooth things over he says, "Don't go getting all P.C. on us about the Latino coming from a big family whose father split. I, I, I mean it happens, okay?" Oh, sorry. I must be the asshole. I hate when my TV is rude to me. Senseless line here about needing naked chicks in a video and Alanis Morrisette has to be in it. Shot of important guy who Meghan dumped. He has a smear of eye goo that we are supposed to believe is a tear. Kenny stares at him in an unnecessary slow-motion shot until Cameron hits him from behind on his skateboard. Only Cameron skates in the school. It's okay, though, he's wearing his helmet. What a dork. Cut to shot of blonde in a slip. Kenny's love: Jane Cohen. She's in her own light walking in slow motion so we can see her boobs bounce while the others are sped up. She's twenty-five years old, easily. Vinny, I mean victor tries to tell Kevin, I mean, Kenny that today is the day he should ask Winnie Cooper, I mean, Jane Cohen out. victor: "Two words: Carpe diem." "Fish of the day?" I throw my copy of Dead Poet's Society. at the television. In walks the school bully. You know this is the bully because:
- He's walked into the bathroom.
- He's wearing flannel.
- He's got a goatee.
- He's Hispanic.
- He's twenty-nine years old.
Just in case we really aren't morons, Kenny explains that Frank Ortiz is the school bully who is "bigger than Janet Reno." Ha. Ha. Guess what, guys? If you're audience is as dumb as you think they are, they don't know who Janet Reno is. Frank says "move" in a voice that must have been dubbed by Sloth from The Goonies. Awkward moment where Frank makes the urinal flush on Kenny's pants. victor tries to stick up for him by asking why he's picking on Kenny. "Because I can." He breaks a mirror with his back pack. Frank tests victor by asking him a question in Spanish. The subtitle says, "Are you man enough, dude?" In this world, "Vato" means "dude." victor is caught. He doesn't speak Spanish. Frank will now kill victor for this, until Kenny steps up and shouts "NOOO!" So Frank will now kill Kenny (I know you see it coming, too), before school. Frank leaves. victor tries to lighten things by telling Kenny there's a girl on TV who needs a kidney. Thanks, Ferris. He then gives the obligatory, "Yo, bro. Thanks, man." All is cool in guydom. "Great," Kenny think-says into the mirror, "I'm going to get killed before I ever get a chance to see my first real boob." Missed your chance this morning, buddy. "Welcome to the worst day of my life," Kenny says, and then re-caps the past fifteen minutes of this show. A glance from Girl of Dreams changes it to a great day. I miss Daniel Stern.