Get Real
Sexual Healing

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Sexual Healing

Grandma is depressed in the park.

It is daylight. Kenny is stalking Rebecca by peeping in her window to watch her play cello. It is dark out. Meghan says she's at the library but we see her at a party. Of course, this is a TV party, so no one is smoking, everyone is wearing clothes from Wet Seal and all drinking is done out of red plastic cups. Meghan's hair is filled with butterfly clips. She meets a boy with glasses and a piece of hair on his face that inspired a discussion between my boyfriend and me as to whether it's referred to as a Soul Patch or a Flavor Saver. To the satisfaction of "I'm doing this to piss Mom off" Meghan, the new boy is twenty-three.

Back at the house of recent sex, Mitch is alone thinking about what it is to be a husband and a dad. Cameron is staring out his window. Kenny is staring into Rebecca's. Meghan is making out with Flavor Saver Boy. Fade to white.

Go Kenny's sister. Sell that soda. I see a conspiracy here.

Kenny dreams that he saves Rebecca's life at school by discovering her fainted body and announcing that her bra is too tight. She wakes up and kisses him. Since he was daydreaming, he didn't notice that victor has been trying to talk to him about his dad and that girl Amber he's been living with for a year. Although it's been a long time, victor is still upset about it. Rebecca interrupts their conversation with her red bra and her giant belly button. She asks Kenny to come to her house that weekend. Because this is the Real World we see Mitch and Mary show up at the school and give Kenny a hug. The hallway is really empty even though it's between classes. Kenny begins to whimper because boys are checking out his mom's ass. "A mom's ass shouldn't be scoped!" he whimpers, and I start to realize how much he sounds like Jim Breuer's Goat Boy. Because the Green kids are always in a thirty-foot radius of each other, Mitch and Mary discover Meghan's newly pierced (not red or swollen) navel ring. They are not pleased. They are mad that she was twenty minutes late for curfew the night before. They find out about Older Flavor Saver Boy and tell her not to go out with him. "You guys can't tell me what to do about everything," she brats out, and phones Soul Patch boy to make a date. Mitch and Mary meet the Vice Principal, whom they feel is too young, so they instantly assume they know more than she does. She announces she's suspending Cameron for three days for his repeated acting-out. She says she knows he's distracted and "embraces the extreme sport culture" as some sort of reason for his behavior. I guess it starts with the Surge and moves on to being a complete idiot and then it's straight to armed robbery. That's how you do the Dew. Mitch and Mary say they've never heard about Cameron behaving badly. VP tells them she's sent home notices before. Mitch and Mary decide they should talk to Cameron. Meanwhile at a locker thirteen feet away Kenny is staring at new girl Rebecca at her locker fifteen feet away and stresses about their potential upcoming date so much that his umbrella gets an erection and he withers into the locker.

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Get Real

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