Get Real
Sexual Healing

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Pamie: D | Grade It Now!
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Sexual Healing

Back at home, Mary confronts Grandma about skipping the doctor's appointment. More lamenting over "Dad," who doesn't warrant any other name in this show. Mary tells a story about how when she was a little girl and scared to go to school, Grandma sat outside the steps of the school all day in case she needed anything. Mary says she'll go to the doctor with Grandma. The phone rings and it's Mitch. He's at a motel room and wants Mary over pronto. More overlapping lovin' scenes. Afterwards, Mary asks through her rumpled hair if Mitch wants to spend some time together in the room. Mitch mumbles something about the "Phoenix deal." "I have to talk to him," Mary think-talks as she leaves the motel.

Meanwhile, using the "I haven't seen this since the 70s" split-screen style of television filming, Kenny continues Get Real's attempt to bash every other prime-time show by asking victor what the appeal of JAG is. victor interrupts with my most hated word in this show's vocabulary: "Dude...You're not listening. I really need to download." Rebecca beeps on call waiting so we can have a momentary triangle screen. Kenny hangs up on victor. Rebecca asks if Kenny's coming over this weekend. He's worried about not telling her right now or she may forget him "faster than 4 Non Blondes." I want to tell Kenny that I have to hear that song at least once a week still because it's made three comebacks in five years but I don't want to waste my time. Kenny's voice-over warbles as he freaks out about what to say. He chooses this: "I...uh...can't. I've got a barbecue." Lame. Not Kenny, the writing. Lame.

Meanwhile, Meghan and Mom argue about her curfew. "Brats Kick Ass" Meghan retorts with, "Someday you'll have to stop treating me like your own personal Mini-Me." How hip is this show, I ask you? Mary stares out the door as Meghan glares at her from inside Soul Patch Boy's car. "I know that look. It's the same look I used to give my mother." "I know that look," Grandma says over her shoulder right on cue. Ba-da-boom-cha! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. She'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Mitch offers whipped cream to Mary as Cameron practices his math skills by counting the number of times he can spit out his gum and catch it in his mouth. They ask Cameron why they never got any notes from his teacher. "She said take them home," his ears flap. "So I did." Mitch and Mary go into parental brain mode and say, "We just want to help." Cameron goes into bad teen brain mode and says they wouldn't understand. "We're worried about you," they say. This starts the water works for poor Cam. He gets all sniffly and weepy in a way that reminds me of when Soleil Moon-Frye had to cry in Punky Brewster. He's all blinking and sniffing and looking up in the air. He's worried too. "I'm gonna be a senior next year and that means two things. It means that (a), I'm gonna have better parking and (2) I'm gonna be one year closer to the real world." He gets upset that he was too retarded to understand the PSATS and then in the midst of his emotional rant spits his gum in the air and catches it, shouting a heart-felt "Twenty-six!" I give my first belly laugh ever because I imagine this was the audition monologue every prospective Cam had to give for this show. He wraps up his rage with, "What if I'm stupid?" He says that this "isn't about 'we.' It's about me." He walks off pushing his greasy-ass hair.

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Get Real

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