Get Real
The Distance

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Pamie: F | Grade It Now!
The Distance

Meghan wants Clay to go on the carousel with her. He's too cool to go. But he is dealing with ME-ghan here, so he really has no choice at all. Clay says something about ruining a moment, but since he's got a mumbling problem it sounds like "You're ruining a sensitive boner here." I'm so fifth-grade sometimes. It's how I deal with this show. Work with me, here. Meghan asks Mitch to tell Clay that he has to take her on the carousel. I know, I know, it is just as disgusting as it sounds. Clay says he doesn't want to ruin tradition if she and her dad had some sort of carousel-memory thing. Mitch says it's okay and that Clay should take her. Close-up on Meghan as she gives a toothy grin and says, "Thank you, Daddy." Ugh. They get on the carousel. Meghan waves to Mitch with her fingers all wiggly and says, "Bye, Daddy!" Ew. As Clay puts his arm around Meghan and leans in for a kiss, she moves her head so he only gets to kiss the upper part of her cheek. Don't ruin any lipstick on the Center of the Universe II.

As Mitch eats popcorn and watches his daughter on the ride, something bizarre happens to the screen. Someone goes all nuts with the Photoshop and the screen pixilates and we get treated to Flashback Meghan, who seems to be just as bratty. She blows a kiss towards Flashback Mitch, who looks like he just wrapped up a production of Jeffrey. "Hi, Daddy!" Flashback Meghan shouts. Flashback Mitch grabs the kiss and holds it to his heart. Flashback Mitch walks up and asks Flashback Meghan if she's ready to go home. She says she wants to ride one more time. He says they should go. "Just one more time, pleeeeeease?" Someone should have slapped her earlier. "All right. One more time," Flashback Mitch says. "Ride with me," Flashback Meghan orders, just testing out her newfound powers of Center of the Universedom. Flashback Mitch begins to protest, but Flashback Meghan gives the first pout-and-hair-tuck that would go on to push over the hearts of hundreds of boys for years. "Come on, Daddy." Flashback Mitch agrees to stand next to her, "In case something happens." She takes his hand and pulls him close. They laugh. Close-up on their clenched hands. Ih. The Photoshop pixels swirl again, and Mitch is standing in the present, still watching his baby girl suck up on the carousel. She waves again and blows him a kiss. Mitch is standing there with a weird look.

Meghan leads Clay into her bedroom. Mary announces from somewhere in the depths of the World's Largest Kitchen that dinner will be ready soon. She shuts the door and Clay flops on her bed. He discusses taking a nap. Meghan says that she's glad Clay went to the carnival with her family and that they really love him. He says that he loves her. Instead of saying it back, Meghan mounts him and reminds him that their first time was "pretty intense." He says it was. She says that "practice makes perfect." Okay. So these kids had their first sex like two weeks ago and they haven't done it again since then? WHAT. EVER. Seventeen-year olds not bumping and grinding at every single chance they can get? Even though the last episode was filmed out of order, and she would have known that Clay was leaving for college when she decided to give it up to him anyway because he finally told her that he loved her even though she had been planning to move to Boston with him without him saying that, that still doesn't excuse that for at least a week they weren't shaking booty every single day. Dear Meghan, I'm writing this mostly out of concern. If you just gave it up for the first time to a boy and then immediately afterwards he starts talking about moving away to college and he only gives you some hand-holding and little kisses, and you don't do the deed again for a long time, there are two possible reasons. One: you're a lousy lay. He's getting it somewhere else. Two: he's gay. You might want to check this stuff out. No love, pamie. Clay protests that they probably shouldn't since her FAMILY is just outside the door. He says it might be dangerous. She says, "maybe we should." She mocks getting up to leave as he pulls her into a kiss and we fade to white for the OPENING CREDITS. I can't believe how long they took to get here.

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