Gideon's Crossing
Is There A Wise Man In The House?

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Pissing Match

Ben is seeing a Steve Buscemi look-alike in his office, conducting a patient history interview. Buscemi skips ahead and answers all the questions he thinks Ben is going to ask. Ben asks if he's unhappy with the pace of the interview. Buscemi replies that he's seen a lot of doctors, and they always want to know the same things, so he thought he would save them the trouble. Ben explains that he wants to take the history fresh, in order to give a decent second opinion. We learn that Buscemi's former doctor is named Califano. Ben expositions that Buscemi is severely anemic, with low red-blood-cell count, and also has problems with his bone marrow being depleted and scarred. I don't like to talk about bone marrow. It's inside your bones. Inside your bones! Isn't that creepy?

Anyway, Buscemi reports that Califano thinks he has one of two diseases, but doesn't know which. Ben says that Califano want to do a bone marrow transplant, even though they don't have a matching donor, and wonders if Buscemi knows the risks. Buscemi does know the risks, and he knows he only has six months to live, but he wishes Califano would tell him exactly what's wrong with him. Ben can't believe Califano told Buscemi he only has three months to live, and when Buscemi looks up with hope in his face and asks if Ben disagrees, Ben says, "I would be reluctant to be so precise." Buscemi makes to leave, saying that this was all a mistake, and Ben can't figure out why Buscemi suddenly wants to leave. Buscemi starts recounting how he was tired all the time, and then he fainted, and then he was told that half his blood cells are gone, and that he has six months to live. Meanwhile, all the doctors are telling him "maybe, probably, could be, I would be reluctant to be so precise." Buscemi says that he just wants some facts, and then stumbles a bit, and Ben catches him and sits him down. Buscemi calms down and repeats that he only has six months to live. Is every episode of this show going to be about a terminal patient who gets cured by some miracle? Because that could get really old, really fast.

Ben makes cute with his kids, who are asking about Christmas. Turns out his oldest kid, Christian, isn't "doing the Christmas thing this year." The housekeeper shows up and shuttles the kids off somewhere.

Preacher (we saw him in the last episode) is telling Stiles that, normally, the hospital holiday show is normally lame, and this year he wants it to be an extravaganza. Stiles volunteers to ferret out talent on the staff. Good luck with that. Preacher reminds her to touch on all the cultural aspects -- Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. Stiles fills in, "The Christmas story." Like with Ralphie and the Red Ryder BB Gun? ["'You'll put your eye out!' Sorry, could resist." -- Sars] Oh, she means Jesus and that. Preacher doesn't really get what she means, so she explains. Stiles is surprised, being a man of the cloth, that Preacher isn't into it, but he says he's more into the nature thing, like solstice. He leaves, telling Stiles to "find [him] greatness." Max calls out to Stiles and offers his help with whatever she needs. He lingers way too long, and then walks away. Stiles asks Boies what that was all about, and Boies says that Max obviously wants to sing. I don't know why Max can't just volunteer. Stiles wonders if Max is a good singer, and Boies says, "What do you sound like when the headphones come off?" Max walks back and says, "Dr. Stiles? Anything at all."

Ben is down in the lab with Lab Guy. They discuss astronomy. Lab Guy knows way too much about it, and Ben says, "You'll never marry." Lab Guy responds, "I've made my peace with it." Ben asks about Lab Guy's Christmas plans. Lab Guy says, "The usual. Pick up a hooker, have her lip-sync the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas album for me." Hee! Lab Guy is funny. Ben giggles. Lab Guy isn't joking. Ben asks Lab Guy to look at a slide in the microscope, asking for a diagnosis. Lab Guy doesn't choose either of the disease options Ben presents (which are the two that Califano made on Buscemi).

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Gideon's Crossing

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