Gilmore Girls
A Vineyard Valentine

Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: C+ | 1 USERS: F
YOU GRADE IT
Valentine, The Destroyer

After a full minute of what I assume is stock footage of Martha's Vineyard in anything but the "dead of winter," Luke and Lorelai arrive at the house. Logan greets them politely, saying, "This must be Luke," which confuses me, since I thought surely they'd met before. "Oh, no," Lorelai says. "I dumped Luke. This is Clem. I picked him up at a truck stop on 95. We were at the registers, paying for our blue plates, when our hands reached for the same Dixie Chicks cassette." Luke interrupts, introducing himself, and Rory shows them around the house, which is pretty swank: dining room seats twenty, wet bar, etc. Logan asks if they're hungry, but Luke says they ate on the way up. Rory ends her tour with a few things of note about the house. It's an old place, so there are some kinks. The hardwoods have some buckling, the French doors get warped in the cold, and there's a raccoon, Stan, who makes noise outside the window. "He's been living on the property longer than my family has," Logan explains, "so we give him free rein." Rory continues her Little Miss Hostess routine, telling Luke and Lorelai that the showers will go cold if they run at the same time, and that the breakfast place down the road opens at 8. "7, actually," Logan says, and Rory nods, saying yes, that's right, it's just that they never make it there before 8. She shows them their room. "We call it the King & Queen Suite!" she announces, excitedly. Lorelai asks why. "Because," Rory says, "you're our honored guests, and I just named it that a second ago." After she gives them the rundown on the stuff in the room, she heads out, saying that she'll see them later. "I'd really like to tip you," Lorelai says. "But I only have a twenty." Rory laughs: "Just add it to the bill, ma'am."

I know it seems like the natural thing here would be to pour a cooler full of Haterade over Rory's head for acting like this is her house she's showing off, but I can't, because -- and I know this upsets you, ladies, and you know it upsets me, too -- every ounce of it has to be saved for Luke, who begins his bitching immediately. Lorelai says that the place is nice; Luke says that it's too dark to tell. He wonders if they're supposed to stay in the room for the rest of the night; Lorelai tries to laugh that off, to no avail. "What do you think they're gonna do out there?" he asks. "I don't know," Lorelai says, jokingly taking on a conspiratorial whisper. "Do you think they're gonna do something?" Luke harrumphs, "I don't know, it's your daughter and your daughter's snotty boyfriend." Now, Luke, in our former life together -- say, three episodes ago -- I would have gotten up to high-five the television, so deep would my love run for your astute nailing of Logan. But now, not so much. You're the one being an ass. Lorelai says she didn't think Logan was being snotty at all, and that he seemed very nice. "You call that nice?" Luke asks, in disbelief. "The way he embarrassed Rory?" Lorelai doesn't know what he's talking about, but he says that Rory was humiliated when Logan corrected her about the time the café opens in the morning. "She wasn't humiliated," Lorelai rightly says, and Luke sighs yet again, saying that they just need Logan and Rory to "hold on" and not break up for three more days. Lorelai assures Luke that that won't be happening on this trip, but he says there's a lot of tension here. Instead of ripping off his baseball cap and throwing in the fireplace, Lorelai nicely says that she'll go out and check out the "lay of the land," and see what Rory and Logan are going to be up to.

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Gilmore Girls

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