We open in the Gilmore living room, as Rory and Lorelai gleefully dissect The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. To quote South Park: "Simpsons already did it!" The mailman arrives with Rory's Harvard application. She's practically breathless at the sight of it. Lorelai runs over and coos at the fancy lettering. Rory worries that she was watching The Brady Bunch Variety Hour as her Harvard application arrived in the mail. Lorelai asks if she'll lose points for that. Rory moans that just this morning she was reading Dead Souls. Lorelai decides that they'll just lie and say that Rory was reading that book while Lorelai was studying a "really big globe." Nobody will ever know the truth. They shake on it. "Oh, kayaks!" Lorelai shouts as she returns to the television. Rory cuddles her Harvard application as we fade to black.
Kitchen. Lorelai holds the application and says, "Come on. I wanna get started." Rory -- selecting a soda out of the fridge -- says, "Hold your horses there, Little Miss Horsey-Holder." And that's when I knew this script was written by Daniel Palladino. Rory opens her soda so that it spills all over the table, and in a complete disregard of pre-established character traits, it's Lorelai who is worried that Rory might spill on the application, while Rory claims she's "nowhere near it," when we can all see that she's at the same table as her long-awaited Harvard application, which would make her quite near it, indeed. In spilling reach, actually. When Rory opened that soda and it fizzed up and splashed like it did? She probably spilled a couple of drops on the application. That should have sent Rory shrieking. She should have sipped her soda carefully in the other room and had Lorelai call out the questions from a safe thirty- to fifty-foot distance. She would have had the questions transcribed onto a rehearsal application and kept the real application somewhere safe until she was ready for the final draft. Lorelai holds up a bottle of 409 and brags that the table is very clean, since she cleaned it with something stronger than the sleeve of her sweater and spit. Lorelai reads the first question and gasps: "What you were doing the moment you received this application counts as 50% of your eligibility."
Lane enters from the bedroom. "I need help," she moans. Lorelai asks, "With what?" as if she wouldn't already know why Lane's been hiding out in the bedroom all morning. Rory says that Lane's working on her "Drummer Seeks Rock Band" ad. Rory tells Lane that her ad is two pages, single-spaced, and way too long. Lane will have to cut some of her rock-band influences from the text of the ad. Lane says she's already made painful cuts (from the "A"s, she's cut AC/DC, The Animals, and A-Ha). She runs back into the bedroom, saying she'll try to make cuts, but that she can't make any guarantees. Back to the application. Lorelai asks Rory to list her full name. "Better not get that one wrong!" she says. "I'll try," Rory says. "And nickname, if any," Lorelai says. "That'd be Rory," Rory says. Ladies and gentlemen, the most pointless four lines of Gilmore Girls dialogue ever. Lorelai tells Rory that she used to call her "Droopy Drawers" back, back in the day, back when Rory wore these overalls that were too big, when she was, like, four or something. That story is even more pointless than the past four lines. Lorelai keeps reading the application. "Mother: Breathtaking." Then, "Father: Ostracized." They share a quiet moment over that. Lorelai suggests that Rory write her essay about her Droopy Drawers. "Enough with the drawers!" Rory shouts in unison with everyone watching this episode. Lorelai says that she could write about a person who's had a significant influence on her. "You?" Rory suggests. Lorelai says that an author might be better. "Sylvia Plath?" Rory asks. Lorelai says that might send the wrong impression, what with the gas and all. "Although she did make her kids a snack first," Lorelai says. "Shows a certain...maternal instinct." ["That seems like a logical place to make some reference to the fact that Plath's rejection from a Harvard writing class was a major turning point in her life, but hey, that might leave less space in the episode for Lane to talk about The Archies or whatever." -- Wing Chun]