Gilmore Girls
Blame Booze And Melville

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We Blame Daniel Palladino

In the hallway, Lorelai asks a random doctor about pregnancy tests. Specifically, how soon after the possible conception they can detect anything. Doctor Random says two weeks. Lorelai says that's a long time to worry, and asks if there is perhaps a "machine" she can use that will immediately tell her whether or not she's pregnant. Why is Lorelai so completely stupid sometimes? A Rube Goldbergian Pregnancy Detector Machine, would have been funny as hell, though. If you're pregnant, a rope lowers a boot onto a bike pedal, which then moves a chain attached to a match so that it ignites and burns through a thin rope that, once broken, releases a bowling ball and goes down a chute and hits a watering can that fills up a bowl so that a small boat floats to the top of the bowl, and the boat is the U.S.S. You're Pregnant. A small dog is also somehow involved. Doctor Random says that there is no such machine, and that Lorelai will just have to wait and take the stupid test. Lorelai says she's worried because she was craving an apple today, which she hasn't done since she was pregnant with her first child. Doctor Random's like, "You've had a kid before, and you're still this uninformed about the process? You need more help than I can give you, sister." As for the apple craving thing, if your pregnancy is so early that it can't be detected by a test, I would think it's too early to give you apple cravings as well.

Lorelai lets Doctor Random go as her mother calls her cell phone. Her ballerina has arrived, and it's a pretty young thing named Paola. Emily's thrilled with Paola and her adorable broken English. Paola found Lorelai's old Magic 8-Ball and hasn't put it down since. I hope for Paola's sake that she doesn't go on The Apprentice any time soon with that attitude. Emily asks Lorelai if Paola can keep the 8-Ball. Lorelai says that's fine. Paola cheers, because the Magic 8-Ball has predicted that she will be rich. Emily says she wants to "hug the stuffing" out of Paola, and that Lorelai will meet her tomorrow at the Friday Night Dinner. "Bye, and thanks again," says Emily. She sure is friendly these days.

Lorelai gets off the phone with Emily and calls Rory. Rory -- from her couch in the cafeteria -- answers and asks about Sookie, even though Rory still hasn't gotten over her disgust and horror at the miracle of birth. This gives Lorelai an opening for the Awkward Mother-Daughter Sex Conversation. She asks Rory if she's been doing "everything [Rory] needs to do in that area." "What area?" asks Rory the Clueless. "The VAGINA AREA," says Lorelai. Okay, she didn't say that. But, DUH, Rory. Lorelai asks if Rory has been taking all the proper precautionary sex measures. "I think I have it covered. And that wasn't meant to be a euphemism," Rory says. Heh. Lorelai asks Rory what kind of birth control she uses, which Rory doesn't really feel like answering, seeing as there are people all around her. She also claims to be in the "dining hall," which is odd, since no one is eating any food. Lorelai says that Rory shouldn't leave protection issues up to "the guy," because guys are not reliable. They're biologically programmed to impregnate as many women as possible. Lorelai compares the situation to eating too much pudding as Rory tries desperately to think of an excuse to end this awful phone conversation. "You've got to figure, if he shoots, he scores," says Lorelai; "I mean, look around you! There are babies popping out all over the place!" Rory points out that while there might be babies popping out all over Lorelai's current location -- a maternity ward -- over at the Yale "dining hall," that's not exactly the case. Rory assures Lorelai that she has done her motherly duty to catch Rory up on matters of safe sex, as have society in general, the Health Channel, and Miss Driscoll, "the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High." Lorelai says that Miss Driscoll would never need birth control. Poor Miss Driscoll! Her life sounds miserable. I wonder if the Stars Hollow High students take bets on which windbreaker suit she'll wear on a given day, like we did for our sad spinster gym teacher. Will it be the one with the sailing theme or the purple one with the large white and green stripes across the chest?

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Gilmore Girls

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