Gilmore Girls
Bridesmaids Revisited

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Never The Bride

Honor and the bridesmaids are all dressed and hairdo-ed now, back in the dressing room. A word about the bridesmaids' dresses: awful. Lavender? COME ON. If it's cold enough outside to wear a coat, ain't nobody should be wearing lavender, I don't care if you live in Alaska. I'm talking San Antonio prom awful, here, with these dresses. There are bows. And everyone's hair is PURE '93. Blah. Rory listens as Honor freaks out for a moment about suddenly feeling that the institution of marriage is totally archaic and insane: "Legally binding one woman with one man until they die? It's perverse! Why am I doing this?" Hey, baby, it's only perverse if you're doin' it right, you know what I'm sayin'? The biddies calm her down, reminding her that she loves Josh. She sighs, remembering Josh, and then announces that her slingback is not properly slung back. The drunkest bridesmaid, Walker -- whose hair is styled in a Farrah Fawcett tribute that would make any upstanding drag queen cringe with embarrassment -- lurches down to fix it, nearly spilling champagne on the bride's dress in the process. Honor asks Rory, her designated dresser, to step in, which she happily does. The rest of the 'maids take this opportunity to warn Rory of the handsy dignitaries who will be attending the wedding. The ambassador from Luxembourg, in particular, and a certain red-faced poet who just did a translation of the Bhagavad Gita. "He acts like he's gay," the sole brunette among them warns, "but it's such a ruse. Total perv." Rory nods, memorizing these notes. "Poet, red face. Not gay. Bhagavad Gita. Perv. Got it." Another side note: are we supposed to think these girls are in their mid-twenties? Because, they ain't. They make Rory look twelve.

The wedding coordinator comes to pull Honor away for pictures, and the bridesmaids all freak out about their hair and whatever else. "I tell you what I want," drunk Farrah slurs like a Spring Break redneck. "I want to hook UP with someone tonight." The tall one tells her that pinning a man against the wall and shoving her tongue in his mouth might, just might, come off as desperate. She says she is desperate, though, even to the point of seducing the ambassador to Luxembourg, and they all laugh, giving her other suggestions. The overly tan one who has early-season Friends hair suggests that she take her pick of the groomsmen. They compare notes on the ones they've all already slept with. "There's always Logan," Tall One says. They all snort, and Farrah says she's been there, done that. "Shush," Tan One says. Drunk Farrah: "What, shush? You should talk!" Tan One tries to cover: "Rory is Logan's girlfriend," she says, all casual. Drunk Farrah feels bad, but not really, saying she didn't realize Rory was THAT Rory. She says that this incident with Logan happened before he and Rory were even dating -- it was back around Thanksgiving. Uh, Rory is a little surprised. "Last Thanksgiving?" she asks, obviously upset. Farrah says that it meant nothing. "Walker will have sex with anyone," Brunette says. Tan One chimes in: "And I'm sure you know Logan and I dated. But that was ages ago, eons. Back when he drove a Z3. And then we had a stupid one-night stand back in December, but there's nothing between us, I swear." Rory is doubly shocked, but says nothing. Tall One says she didn't realize Farrah had slept with Logan; she thought they'd just messed around. "No," she slurs. "You said YOU just messed around with him, I meant hooked up hooked up." This tears it for Rory, who looks like she's about to vomit. Blessedly, the wedding coordinator returns and whisks them away for the processional, and as they leave, Tall One assures Rory that her own boyfriend had slept with the entire Upper East Side before they got together, "but now he's loyal as a dog." Rory slumps in a chair, however, and doesn't move.

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