Rory takes a minor into a bar. Anna says she loves it there. Rory says that this place makes great cappuccino. Maybe they just call it a pub but it's really a diner with booze. No, that looks like a bar where Rory's ordering. Marty walks up to Rory, who changes the order to three coffees. Rory tells Marty she might have overwhelmed Anna about an hour ago, given that the poor girl's hand cramped up from taking notes and it's been spasming ever since. Rory sees that Anna is covered in flirting boys, so Rory heads over to play chaperone. The boys have invited Anna to a party tonight. Rory tells them they'll keep the party in mind in case Anna ages two years in the next few minutes, and shoos them away. Anna pouts that it's unfair that Rory gets to talk to boys and she doesn't. Marty joins the table just in time to hear Rory say that Marty is hardly a boy. Awesome. Rory goes on and on about how it's great to have boys who are just pals, who aren't ever going to be any more than guys who bring you food and jewelry and build you cars and try desperately to get in your pants but you just keep them at arm's length because that's how you keep all the free stuff coming.
Cut to the girls in their hundred-dollar pajamas in Rory's common room. Anna asks if she can sleep with the television on. Rory says it's cool as long as she doesn't wake Paris. Anna screeches that she loves college. She loves not having a bedtime. She loves cappuccino, which she might have had too much of. As she's screeching about all the things she loves, Paris walks into the room, all dressed up real purty. "What's she on?" Paris asks Rory. Rory: "Four cappuccinos and three Red Bulls from the fridge." Yikes. "Enjoy your night," Paris says. Paris tells Rory she's putting herself out there. Rory says it's 11 at night: "Who were you hoping to hook up with now? Spike and Drusilla?" Paris asks if her lipstick is too whorish. Rory says it's just whorish enough. Anna shrieks, "Going out at eleven o'clock at night? I love college!" Paris threatens to suffocate Anna when she gets back. I'll help. Rory says goodnight and leaves. Anna is still beaming as she settles down to watch television.
It's the next day, and Rory's in class with Anna, who's totally asleep. How many days will Anna follow Rory around? It's some kind of psychology class. Rory tries to wake Anna, but the girl is way too sleepy. Oh. Rory informs us that this is a philosophy class, and that Professor Bell is a big deal. Then why is he teaching this Intro class? Whatever. Okay, so here's what happens next. Colin bursts in, but none of us would know it was Colin because we don't really care about Colin so we only know the other one by his weird accent, which I thought Colin sometimes had, too. Colin storms into class and apologizes, rushing over to Rory, saying she can't just walk out on him like that. Professor Bell tries to get the kid to leave, but he says that he was still in bed when she left. He says he loves her. And Fucking Rory just sits there. She doesn't protest, she doesn't explain that this kid is the douche who recently drank all of her grandfather's Scotch, nor does she tell him to go away. Colin screams over and over again that he loves Rory. Then Logan storms in. He yells at Colin, telling him to leave Rory alone: "She's with me, now. I told you that." Our academic system isn't a game! Is this going to be on the final? Colin and Logan break into fisticuffs until the Professor threatens to call Security. Then Finn shows up in a bobby uniform, blowing his whistle, hauling off the young ruffians. In fact, Rory acts like all of this is real until Finn shouts, "Rory Gilmore! You should be ashamed of yourself." Now the class realizes that this is a joke, and they start to laugh, and Rory hides her head in shame because maybe she thought for a second that the boys really were fighting over her? Regardless, it's her fault for not trying to save face when her stupid friends act like assholes in her class. Finn shouts that these boys used to have pride: "They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Dammit, Gilmore! Give them back their balls." The class breaks into appreciative applause. The boys come back in and take a bow. Rory still does nothing. Nor does the professor. I haven't seen an Ivy League classroom shenanigan that powerful since Soul Man.