Gilmore Girls
But Not As Cute As Pushkin

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They've Got the Boat; They Just Need the Shark

Next table. Paris sits and says, "Paris. And no, my parents didn't travel." The kid tries to play along, smiling, introducing himself as Billy and admitting that he has no idea what she's talking about. "So, what's your story, Billy?' she asks. Billy: "Well, I'm a drama major --" Paris looks to the side and shouts, "Ding! Ding! Ding!" She immediately changes tables. Ha.

For some reason the girl who was sitting at the next table moves without protest. Oh, well, it was Doyle she was talking to. She was probably grateful for the interruption. Doyle is wearing our wedding color. Doyle was happy for the interruption, as well, since the girl who was sitting there was about to say the words "Latter-Day Saints." Doyle and Paris commiserate as Doyle admits that this is his third time doing this, even though he's never met anyone at it. Paris says she can't see one person in this room who shouldn't be sterilized immediately. Doyle agrees. Paris and Doyle begin discussing the human skeletons found in Flores. I have to say, this discovery is the geekiest advancement in science ever. They found Hobbits. It's like, they couldn't just leave Tolkien alone -- they had to figure out how to create a civilization just so people would stop teasing them. "Take that, Susie Bookman, who in the tenth grade called me a 'Bilbo Dildo.' You thought I was wasting my time speaking only in Elvish. I was merely working towards the most significant discovery of our modern age! I bet you wish you'd held onto that awesome mix tape I gave you (I'll Stop Middle-Earth and Melt With You (My Precious)). I bet now you wish you embraced your proper Elven name of Ivy Gamgee-Took of Bywater. I bet you regret making fun of me when I cried after you let me touch your left breast with my bare hand. I've discovered LIFE. I was ALWAYS RIGHT. I, PONTO BUMBLEROOT, AM YOUR SUPERIOR. Behold! The HOBBITS!" Anyway, Paris and Doyle are eating it up. The bell rings, but Paris isn't giving up her date with Doyle. She tells the next candidate to move on.

Cut to night. Anna is still going on about Logan's Run. Like, we get it. You love college. You love boys. You love pizza, and movies, and having really deep thoughts. What's so amazing about really deep thoughts? Anna lets herself into Rory's dorm room, and for the record -- Rory doesn't lock her room door. Let's go steal that flat-screen TV. Rory tells Anna that college isn't just a crazy, wild, sleep-deprived, Hedonistic society. Um. It is at this moment that Doyle walks into the common room wearing only a robe. He says out loud that it wasn't the television he was hearing. "This isn't what it looks like," he says, which makes me wonder what else it could be. Paris joins Doyle, wearing only a pajama top. "I told you it wasn't the TV," she says. Rory: "Hi, Paris!" Paris: "All right, fine. Doyle and I had sex." Rory tells the gleeful Anna to get her coat as Paris explains that they met at Speed Dating and decided to cut right to the sex. Rory tells Anna they're going to dinner. "But it's only five," Anna protests. As Rory leaves, Paris scolds, "You have no right to be repulsed by my sex life." Well, that's true. Also, Paris has always had a sex life, where Rory has had more of a anti-sex life. Anna is so impressed with all of this. They really need to teach a sex ed class at Chilton. These girls are all going to turn into crazy trollops when they hit college. Doyle turns to Paris and notes: "This is an exceptionally comfortable robe."

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Gilmore Girls

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