Luke's. It's closing. But Dean and his sad little bachelor party are just getting started. For those of you working on the home trivia game, here is Stars Hollow's fight song: "We live and die for Stars Hollow High. We do or die for Stars Hollow High. It's the one we fight and fall for. It's the one we give our all for. Stars! Hol-low! High!" One of Dean's friends is in a sailor's uniform, and he says they're stopping at Luke's for the pit stop of Dean's bachelor party. Phase One was "get sloppy drunk." Phase Two might include strippers. Hey, can someone shave that weird scruff Dean's got going on? It makes him look like he's battling something. One of Dean's friends realizes that his name is also Luke, and suggests that he and Luke Danes start a club. "That would be swell," Luke says. He offers to make everyone some coffee. Dean starts swaggering like a tree in a hurricane, going on about how tomorrow is his big day. The sailor drags Dean to the counter and thanks Luke for his kindness. Sailor tells Luke that Phase One was a case of beer in a JC Penney parking lot, followed by the batting cages and laser tag. That's so sad. These are young boys. Dean says he's decided that he really likes beer. Oh, maybe he'll become a drunk after he's married and can't have Rory. That'll be fun. All drunk at the bar at the Dragonfly, hitting on Lorelai every night. Awesome! I love the dark, seedy side of Stars Hollow -- the one that lives only in my imagination. The sailor tells Luke that he's in the Navy. He thought it would help pay for college, but now he's probably going to have to fight in a war. Speaking of dark. Luke scolds the partygoers for attempting to play "sugar football." The sailor apologizes for his friends' being such kids. Luke offers to make a mess of pancakes. The boys start talking about strippers again, wondering how much you pay one and whether they're really prostitutes. Luke suggests that the boys make up a dirty version of the fight song while he's in the back. The boys cheer the great idea. "Rory," Dean moans. Suddenly the entire bachelor party is over, the boys clear out, and Luke decides to take care of Dean for the rest of the night. That girl's got power, I tell ya. As the boys leave, singing the fight song again, Luke lifts Dean and curls him under his arm. Man, that boy is seriously tall.
Luke drags Dean to Jess's old bed. Dean can't stop talking about how awesome Rory is. She's smart. Luke suggests that she team up with Kyle (that must be one of the friends downstairs, whose names we didn't get). Dean says that Rory has such pretty hair on her wonderful head. Then maybe you should have said something about her hair when you ran into her, dick. And doesn't Dean have a family expecting him to come home tonight? Luke takes off Dean's shoes. "I miss her," Dean says. "Why didn't she love me?" Dean falls asleep. Luke knows exactly how Dean feels. Those are two men who are whipped, y'all. I love them both, dearly, but they need to just sit the Gilmores down and rip them new ones. I'm tired of their niceness allowing the girls to get away with emotional murder.