Gilmore Girls
Farewell, My Pet

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Goodbye, My Albatross

Back at the Inn, Michel has called a memorial-service planning meeting with Lorelai and Sookie. They, naturally, have not had a chance to plan anything yet, and have to think on the fly as Michel sits before them with his binder, getting more and more hysterical. "Well," Lorelai hedges, "first of all, we thought we would put him in a box...a bag?" Michel nearly strokes out, and Lorelai has to admit that animal disposal is not really an area of her expertise. Which explains why Christopher is still living in her house! Ba dum bump! HA! Sorry, yes. That was low(e). Look, I'm desperate, here. Nothing's funny about a dog funeral. Just ask Lorelai and Sookie, who are getting shot down at every turn, as everything they suggest is deemed wrong by Michel. Finally, it is determined that the service will start at twilight. Michel suggests gerbera daisies in reds, oranges, and yellows, to complement Chin Chin's fur. He goes on to discuss the programs. Lorelai: "The...programs..." Sookie, squinting: "You want programs?" Michel is, again, offended: "Do you think when the Princess of Wales died and was interred at Althorpe, the Spencer family was asked whether or not they wanted programs?" Lorelai cringes that no, they probably weren't. "You know what?" Michel shrills, getting fed up. "Why don't we just use fax paper and hey, why not print them out on the computer. After all, it's just a dog!" Lorelai calmly assures Michel that they will make the programs and the service nice, and he is placated enough to discuss the menus, at which point Lorelai abandons Sookie to Michel's lunacy. Now is a good time to mention the rather unfortunate and totally rare wardrobe malfunction going on with Lorelai's dress and hosiery in this episode. Something ain't right. The dress looks exactly like one I wore to a dance in ninth grade (although, fine, I'll stipulate that mine had a bubble skirt), and the mauve hose are identical to the ones I wore with that ensemble as well. Let's hold off on bringing back hosiery that makes us look chronically bruised, okay? Please.

Making her escape, Lorelai goes out to the front, where she runs into Christopher. "Hi," he says, earning a mildly sarcastic "hi" in return. "I guess we should talk," he mopes, and Lorelai leads him away as Michel and Sookie get into it about crudités in the other room. "If your child died," Michel rants, "would you serve crudités?" Officially too much -- let's not joke about children dying, thanks.

To get away, Lorelai leads Chris to some overly-patterned side room and closes the door. "Well, obviously," he opens, "we have some issues." It is, very clearly, not the best start, and Lorelai, for once, does not have the patience to put up with his selfish bullshit. "'Issues'?" she snaps. "What issues? We got in a fight and you took off." Instead of apologizing, Christopher says that he was "mad." Eek -- wrong again. "Oh, you were mad?" Lorelai whips back. "Well, then, never mind." Christopher tells her not to be sarcastic and, missing the perfect opportunity to tell HIM not to be a whiny BITCH, Lorelai insists instead that he not tell her what to do. Good enough, but Chris goes on to say that he needed some space, which...the dude is batting zero with these lines. Lorelai rightly points out that they are married, in which case getting some space means walking around the block or getting a beer, not taking off. "My father was in the hospital," she says. "You weren't there." Instead of apologizing profusely and falling to the floor, clinging to Lorelai's knees, begging her forgiveness and flagellating himself, Christopher snits that he had turned off his phone and all, but that he came as soon as he heard. Yeah, says Lorelai, but he only stayed and hour and then left again. "I didn't feel like staying when I saw who else was there," argues Christopher. OH MY GOD. Will no one punch this guy in the nuts? I swear, at this point, I want Lorelai to leave this dude, give Luke the brush-off, and start dating women. I mean, shit, why NOT? I'm in a little bit of a man-hating mood these days -- not my own husband, but some other husbands I know are having 1/3-life crises and behaving Christopher-style to their gorgeous and generous wives -- and I'm advocating full-on lesbianism. It's hot, you can share wardrobes, and nobody gives you attitude when you explain you have the cramps. Hello? Where's the downside? Is Gypsy from the car shop single? Lorelai says for the three millionth time that she did not invite Luke to be there, and when Chris slings back that she didn't ask Luke to leave, either, Lorelai's had enough: "No, I didn't. He's my friend. He brought food. You weren't there." Christopher counters that he was there; he checked in. "'Checked in'!" she says. "I'm not the 6:40 to Buffalo!" Christopher whines that he's just sick of seeing Luke, but Lorelai is out of sympathy. She was in that hospital for two days, eighteen hours a day, and she didn't even know if Christopher was coming back. "I needed time," he drones. "I needed YOU," replies Lorelai, going on to beautifully and simply twist the knife: "You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't surprised." Whhhewww -- my husband and I jinxed each other with an "aaawww, daaaaamn." That was a good one. Lorelai goes out on that zinger, saying that she has too many things to get done, and that they'll have to talk later.

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