Gilmore Girls
Hay Bale Maze

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Lost And Found

Lorelai arrives at the Inn to find Sookie and Michel engaged in one of their little tiffs. Michel has apparently created a desktop publishing masterpiece of a printed schedule and is offended that Sookie would place it in the backs of the guest baskets she's assembling. "I am a man of refined and renowned aesthetics," he bitches. "Fabien Baron once publicly admired the way I decorated my locker at Crunch." My God, it took me 65 rewinds to figure out what he was saying. Fabien BARON. Not Fabian Barnes. CRUNCH. Not Crotch. Though, truth be known, I can imagine Fabian Barnes complimenting Michel on the decoration of his crotch. What? Oh, come on.

The exchange degenerates into a slapfight soon after Michel tries to inappropriately call touché -- you'd think a speaker of the French language would know the definition of the word -- and when Lorelai arrives, just before real violence breaks out, she notes that "Mr. Crankypants is in his usual Spring Fling funk." Michel immediately denies any funkiness. "Oh, I wasn't talking about you," Lorelai jokes. "I was talking about Mr. Crankypants." She compliments him on his beautiful schedule, reading off the usual Fling events. She's alarmed, however, when she sees that bird-watching has been added to the list. "There was a void," Michel insists. "There was nothing scheduled on Saturday evening; it looked ridiculous; I wrote in bird-watching." Lorelai says that's great and all, but that since they didn't schedule any bird-watching, it might create a problem if someone, say, wants to go bird-watching. "Oh, please," Michel snarks. "Who wants to watch birds? Why on Earth would you want to watch a bird?" Touché, for real. ["My father challenges you to a duel." -- Miss Alli] Lorelai says that what they should have put on the schedule was the stupid hay-bale maze that Taylor hoodwinked all of them into approving at the town meeting. "What is wrong with people? Walking in hay?" Michel drones. "Don't people have lives? Don't they have televisions and elliptical machines? And what kind of weirdo wants to walk around in a maze of hay?" Lorelai: "Taylor Doose, and no one else."

Lorelai and Sookie describe how, at the meeting, Taylor gave an impassioned speech, while clutching hay, weeping. "It was very disconcerting, and yet oddly moving," Lorelai says, but she adds that this support was short-lived when after the vote people saw that he wasn't actually crying -- he just had hay fever. In any case, Michel has become bored by this charming tale and rolls his eyes again, sighing out a queenly "whatever." Sookie breaks it to him that people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago. (Everybody except me.) "Whatever," Michel says again and then, nearly killing me with pure brilliance, adds that he's "Audi 5000." That single Michel moment was enough to make up for the fact that the entire 466 words I just wrote above? Described 90 seconds of television. Damn this show and all its words.

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Gilmore Girls

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