We open at a funeral, where we are reminded that nobody loves chatting through solemn occasions like Lorelai, Sookie, and Rory do. During the eulogy, we learn about the recently departed. His name was Stan, and apparently Rory loved him because he wore fedoras and Hush Puppies. Lorelai wishes he had also worn pants. Rory and Lorelai have chosen their most solemn black berets to cover their heads on this occasion. Sookie remembers how Stan came to lunch every Tuesday at the Independence Inn. I didn't know this show even had Tuesdays. Lorelai tells Sookie that Stan made the very first lunch reservation for the Dragonfly, and Sookie tells her not to cancel it -- they'll save that seat for Stan. Rory dissolves into tears.
The Rabbi leads the Mourners' Kaddish. Lorelai immediately interrupts it to say that in Stars Hollow, death comes in fives. Rory tells Lorelai not to try to lighten the mood. Lorelai points out the five who died last year (we've heard of one: Fran) including a set of twins (which must have been pretty sad), and the five who died the year before that. But alas, there have only been four this year, which means that someone in the room is about to die. Can't Lorelai even try to whisper? Lorelai realizes that it'll be the ancient Hank Krutzman, who's "a hundred and ten." Rory can't believe he's actually that old. Lorelai backtracks, and says he's not really that old, but that's the age you say when someone is really old. Rory says she prefers to say how old someone actually is, because that's not "crude and insensitive" (like chatting about who's the next to croak while sitting in a funeral?). Sookie and Lorelai immediately begin reminiscing about what a great guy Hank was. Rory scolds them, saying that the man is still in the room and very much alive.
Reverend Skinner takes the...pulpit while Rory tells Sookie and Lorelai that if something happens to Hank now it's their fault and they caused it. Sookie says it won't be Hank. Rory says they should focus on Stan because he's actually dead and they had nothing to do with it. Reverend Skinner says that Stan lived in Stars Hollow for fifty-six years and loved the town. He really loved the church bells, which fell into disrepair twenty years before and haven't rung since. Stan left money in his will to the church to repair the church bells, so when they ring now, the town can stop and think of Stan. This pleases the mourners. "Oh, Stan!" Rory whimpers into her Kleenex. The Rabbi tells everyone to resume the service at the cemetery. As they're leaving, Lorelai admits that she wasn't here when the bells rang. Sookie wasn't, either. But Miss Patty says they were fantastic, and that one of her most romantic memories happened under those bells. "Your first kiss?" Rory asks. Miss Patty: "Uh, sure. Okay." This is when Hank takes a little spill. But he's okay, and everyone helps him back up. Lorelai says that they'll be very stressed out for the rest of Hank's life. Rory says that serves her and Sookie right for making him the fifth. Lorelai says they don't have that power; they only speculated. Sookie says it could be anybody -- Taylor or Reggie or Andrew or Kirk. There's a commotion: Kirk has fallen underneath a memorial wreath. "It's gone dark! It's gone dark!" he shouts. Lorelai pulls Sookie and Rory closer and declares them the Witches of Eastwick. Thus ends the longest teaser in this show's history.