Previously on Gilmore Girls: Rory has a dad named Christopher. He is, or was, a "rebel" with a motorcycle. He asked Lorelai to marry him. She said no because he's a deadbeat. MamaLane figured out that Lane has a boyfriend. Lane doesn't, really, because Henry broke up with her, but they still had a big fight during which MamaLane sent Lane to her room. This week, they show almost that entire scene just so we know why Lane is grounded now, even though Lane and MamaLane already worked through their fight. Chris is just starting to become dependable, and now owns a Volvo. He also has a live-in girlfriend, which he only told Lorelai after she kissed him and asked him back to her house.
We open with Lorelai complaining that "music has charms to soothe the savage breast" has been changed to "beast" in our cliché dictionaries. Rory says she doesn't know how that happened. Lorelai asks why it happened again. Rory doesn't want to discuss it any further. Neither do I.
Luke's. It's completely empty. Lorelai and Rory are shocked. Luke says it's just one of those weird between-rush lulls, and that it'll fill back up again soon. The girls are so happy to get to pick wherever they want to sit. They debate the table with the corner view, the table for gangsters where you'll be able to see who's fixing to kill you, or the bar where they can play bagel hockey. I said it in one sentence. They took about twenty to include a gangster joke, comments on the views of Stars Hollow, and Luke complaining about the chattering. Really it's just empty so they don't have to pay for as many extras. Luke tells the girls to just sit down. They comment that he's awfully cranky to his only two customers.
As they sit at their usual table, Rory reminds Lorelai that her Chilton debate is on Friday afternoon. Lorelai asks if she's prepared. Rory says that she and Paris know everything there is to know about doctor-assisted suicide. Luke gets a phone call. It's for Rory. "But no one knows we're here," Rory says. Lorelai says the entire morning has been "kinda Twilight Zone-y." Luke adds that it's also The Outer Limits-y. Then for some reason Lorelai doesn't know what The Outer Limits is and they have a discussion about how it's a neglected show in the Pop Culture reference section. Lorelai says she doesn't speak Geek. Luke says he stepped right into that one and blah, blah, blah -- Lane's on the phone. Lane's grounded, but watching Stars Hollow through her window using a telescope. She says she had a clear shot of Rory and Lorelai walking into Luke's. Rory walks over to the window. Luke tells her to be careful of the phone cord. "Yeah, duck, Harvey," Lorelai quickly jabs. Rory can't believe that Lane is still grounded. Lane says this is the mother of all groundings, just shy of getting a "Dr. Dre ankle bracelet" on her. MamaLane has gone so far as to get Lane pulled out of school for a little while in order to home-school her. Rory thinks this is illegal; so do I. MamaLane apparently told Lane's school that she was "highly contagious" with something. Lane says she only gets five minutes a day to make outside calls, but she has an unlimited number of minutes to call the "Psalm-A-Day" line. She says it's a rip-off because "Psalm-A-Day" has been playing Psalm 79 for three straight days. Lane is upset because that infringes on the claim "Psalm-A-Day" makes by having their name include the words "A-Day." Rory comments on how riled up Lane is about this. Lane says that her world has become very small. Lane asks for Rory's news. Rory says that she's got a big debate coming up. CuteDean's been working late hours saving up for a new motorcycle so she never sees him. Rory and Lorelai haven't done laundry in three weeks but she now jumps in the dirty clothes pile as they listen to polka. MamaLane calls Lane downstairs for her snack (tea and melba toast). I swear this script has to be a million pages long. So many words. Rory throws the phone back to Luke. Luke catches it, which inspires Lorelai to consider Luke for goalie of the bagel hockey team. "And bump Schmitty?" Rory asks. Lorelai says that Schmitty is old. "Suit up, kid!" Lorelai shouts to Luke. "Call me if anyone sane walks in," Luke retorts, and they somehow decide that's the line with which to go to opening credits.