There are times when you realize the only time you can write your recap is late at night when everyone else is out having fun. You're home alone, just you and the cats, and you're staring down the barrel of an hour of episode. A Jess-heavy episode. And that's when you break out a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, a wine that any Angeleno can tell you has an expiration date in your stomach. This is a wine that was manna from Heaven about two years ago, because it's a bottle of wine under three dollars that tastes like a bottle of wine under ten. Brilliance, right? Well, it turns our your stomach rejects Two-Buck Chuck by about the sixth bottle in your lifetime. I haven't had it in about a year because one sip of it made me ill. Currently it's the only wine in my house because I did a show last week where we gave out Two-Buck Chuck (for free, because, come on). Consequently, there are four bottles of this stuff in my house, and as I was saying, I'm alone and about to recap the penultimate episode of the season, and I'd much rather be working on the bag I'm knitting but I can't because that's life so here we are. What does this mean to you? I guess it means we're going to find out what happens when I recap under the influence. The last time I tried this, I had to take a nap. Let's see if I can make it.
Man, I'm tired. Kidding.
Not really kidding. But here goes. There's Miss Patty and a maypole, just like all those weird Miss Patty fetishists always wanted. She's mad because the Banyan Boys don't seem to know clockwise from counter-clockwise. Some girl we've never seen before is now Miss Patty's assistant, and she complains about the Banyan boys. More "Hellspawn"-type jokes ensue. (First lesson learned about Drinking While Recapping, heretofore known as DWR: Difficult to type the word "Hellspawn.") Kirk heckles Miss Patty's maypole. The new girl disappears into thin air and Lorelai replaces her, asking Miss Patty if she's had a tough day. Miss Patty says that this is worse than working with Joan Crawford. Kirk heckles that he'd call it a "Maybe-not-pole." Miss Patty explains that Kirk's mad that she made Chrissy her dance captain instead of him. Lorelai points out that Kirk has "forty-three jobs." Miss Patty asks Lorelai to go talk to him. Lorelai says she will. By the way, it seems we've officially moved out of scarf season.
Lorelai tells Kirk to easy on Miss Patty. Kirk says that he's an expert on maypole dancing, having re-enacted the dwarf's maypole choreography from the "Safety Dance" video in his junior-high talent show. Great song; stupid video. I remember it being the first time I was truly disappointed in a video. And yes, I've seen "Oh, Sherry." Lorelai tells Kirk to take a break before Miss Patty beats him up again. Kirk agrees.