...not at the nervous hands of the maid of the week, but at the tiny hands of a little girl. "Hello," she says, very politely, inviting Rory and Lorelai in and offering to take their coats. "Maybe Mom has run out of adults who will work for her," Lorelai conjectures. Oh my God, this scene is going on forever. We haven't even gotten to the part where we learn that the kid is there in training for the cotillion Emily is hosting for the DAR. "Well done, Charlotte," Emily tells the child. "C.Z. Guest couldn't have done it better herself." She goes on to introduce Rory and Lorelai to Charlotte as "our granddaughter, Rory, and her mother." Ugh. Rory and Lorelai try to make nice with the kid, telling her cutely that they love the book Charlotte's Web, but this Charlotte is in no mood for baby talk. "Can I offer anyone a cocktail?" she asks, sweetly. "Uh, okay..." Lorelai says, concerned that a ten-year-old is about to play bartender: "Is that legal?" Emily goes through everyone's drink orders, sending Charlotte over to the booze. She returns with the drinks, passing Lorelai her straight-up martini. "Thanks," Lorelai says. "So, nothing for you? You driving tonight?" Charlotte laughs a tinkling laugh: "Oh, Lorelai, I'm only ten!" Her moment of cuteness is short-lived, as Emily notices that the ice cubes in her glass have already melted, and bitches Charlotte out for it. Charlotte is full of remorse, and when Emily gets up to repair her own drink, Lorelai grabs the girl's hand: "This is your chance. Get out while you still can! I can show you all the good escape routes!" Charlotte merely laughs again: "Mrs. Gilmore warned me you'd be full of smart remarks." She should have warned you that this scene would be full of endless words and chatter that would cause me to write a TWO-PAGE SUMMARY of it, even though it lasted less than five minutes. You're killing me, non-Palladinos. Also, what is this aerie girls stuff you're pushing on us? These chicks don't watch Gilmore Girls! "Like, Christopher? Is totally hot! I love Lorelai's like, hair, and stuff? You know? Totally. And Logan's highlights totally bring out his eyes!" Or whatever they're saying. I'd ban their dumb asses from the forum in about 2.9 seconds. I totally hate them.
Back from commercial, the FND is STILL going on. Emily is talking, eight to the bar, about more cotillion stuff, giving Charlotte directions on the use of all the silverware. The kid handles the information ably, prompting Rory to say that she thinks Charlotte will have a great time at the event. Charlotte asks if Rory ever attended a cotillion. "Nope," Rory says. "But I did have a coming out party." Lorelai nods: "And I fully supported her decision. She shouldn't have to hide her love for women." Charlotte's eyes go wide, and Emily steps in to admonish: "Lorelai, there's nothing funny about being a lesbian." Tell that to Ellen DeGeneres. Never knowing when to shut up, Lorelai tells Charlotte that cotillions are not fun parties: "They're boring rituals to train a whole new generation of snobs." Instead of telling her daughter not to use a ten-year-old in her nonstop struggle against family oppression, Emily reminds Lorelai that she herself has never even been to a cotillion, so she has no evidence for her negative claims. Lorelai smarts back, "You don't have to jump off the Empire State Building to know it's gonna hurt." Poor Charlotte is wondering how she ever got involved with these damn freaks and the dysfunction that overrides every occasion they share.