Emily moves on from berating Lorelai to berating Sookie, who, though some of her tea dishes are divine, has made the inexcusable mistake of suggesting spinach quiche, which might result in unsightly spinach getting stuck in the girls' teeth. I don't mean to make light of a serious tragedy, but uh...it also might result in their deaths, so yeah, don't serve spinach. Sookie excitedly presents her next offering: mini PB&J sandwiches. "I just thought that since the girls were only ten," she gushes, "that they'd enjoy it more than the smoked salmon sandwiches." Emily recoils: "They're ten, they're not animals. This is a proper tea, Sookie. I'm not interested in circus food." Sookie is appropriately ashamed. "Stings, don't it?" Lorelai whispers in support, and Emily moves on to be escorted by Michel, her true soulmate, to see the room where the tea will be held. Emily does, however, take one parting shot on the way out: "I like your hair like that, Lorelai." This causes Lorelai to frown visibly. I guess we'll never see her hair up again.
At the Yale newspaper office, Paris is laying waste to both her hired tutors and the kids they're teaching. Liza Weil is, as usual, brilliant. She knocks one guy for coddling a student, another for being too slow, and Rory for allowing hers to develop a crush on her. "Gilmore, do you see any of my students falling in love with me?" she demands. "No. And you know why? Because you don't fall in love with people who make you want to crap your pants." Awesome. Paris dismisses the rest of her staff, insisting that, the next time they tutor the kids, she expects to see terror in the students' eyes. She then sits down with Rory: "Okay, I'm not your boss anymore. We can do five minutes of friend time." Rory says she appreciates the offer, but that she's got to go call Logan. Paris, messing around with her Blackberry, asks how the relationship with Logan is going. "It's good, you know. It's fine..." Rory says, causing Paris to jump to her own conclusions: "So, it's awful....You downgraded from 'good' to 'fine' in under two seconds, so I figured I'd cut to the chase." Rory says that it really is not awful; it's just hard because of the distance. "Uh huh," Paris says, distractedly. "How's the sex?" Rory says that, you know, since Logan is in London, there isn't any. "You've got a phone," Paris tells her. "Use it." (Thank you, Lord, that this was not the episode I had to watch with my in-laws. Hello, yes, I did date your son long-distance for a year before we moved in together to live in sin prior to getting married. Right. Classy lady.) Rory shudders: "I can't do that. I talk to my mother on that phone!" Haaaa! Paris suggests "texting" as an alternative. "No, no thank you," Rory says, but Paris persists: "Why not? You say stuff when you're together, don't you?" Rory says that she guesses they do, sometimes, and I have to pause the TiVo and guffaw at the idea of Rory talking dirty in bed. Duuuude, that's funny. Thank you for not showing it. "So," Paris concludes, "text it. Texting's great. And you can do it while you're doing other things. Doyle and I are doing it right now." Rory is alarmed, and looks at Paris's Blackberry screen. "Oh my God," she gasps, but Paris assures her that she and Doyle are advanced in the art of texting: "All you're looking to do right now is create some intimacy. Stick to the basics." Rory says she doesn't have any basics. "Write what you know," Paris says. "Doyle thinks it's a great idea." Rory shudders anew. "Okay, can you not talk about me on that thing," she says, "when you're doing that with him? Sheez."