Since Lorelai hasn't discussed her business class in about a year, she's suddenly cramming for finals. You know, the class that used to be on Wednesday nights, but as of last week is now on Saturdays? Now she has multiple classes and is getting a degree. They didn't tell us these things before. Lorelai moans that her head is now full and she can't study anymore. She compares her brain to Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. Rory tells Lorelai to close her eyes and take a break. Rory is wearing the ugliest shirt I've ever seen. It makes her look four months pregnant. Lorelai says that if she clears her head, she'll erase all the work she's done stuffing it full of facts she hasn't bothered to learn in the two years she's been taking one class a week. Lorelai says she's glad she's graduating because all of this school and learning has taught her that she despises academics. Rory gives a little "learning is fun" PSA and adds that since she's a minor, she's got no choice but to learn every day. Lorelai moans that she did this to herself, that she's a masochist. I can hear the plumbers downstairs and I think they just unclogged whatever was messing up the entire downstairs line. The sound of that snake and the water jerking around pulling sewage out of my shower is making me regret eating fake Pop-Tarts. Ugh. But yet, I still must recap! Yes! Through sickness and in health. Rory says that diploma on the wall will make this all worth it. Lorelai: "I guess. Unless I turn into John Nash and start drooling on people." Is she thinking of Awakenings?
Rory suddenly realizes that there's going to be a graduation ceremony. Lorelai tries to blow it off, saying it's no big deal and that there might be a ceremony but it's nothing. Rory says that it's totally not nothing and that everyone should go to Lorelai's graduation ceremony. By the way, Rory's wearing CuteDean's bracelet, for those of you keeping score. Lorelai says that the only reason she didn't have a graduation ceremony before in her life was that her stupid conservative high school wouldn't let her breast-feed onstage. Rory says that Lorelai has earned this ceremony and that deep down she wants to do this. Lorelai admits that she has always wanted to wear one of those gowns and the hat with the tassel, since she loves fringe. Rory says they'll call out Lorelai's name and people will clap and there's a diploma. Lorelai adds that she'll get to move the tassel from one side to the other, which is very dramatic. Rory decides it's official, and that Lorelai's going to her graduation ceremony. She asks who Lorelai wants to invite. Lorelai says she doesn't need anyone there other than Rory. But Rory mentions Sookie and Jackson. Lorelai says that'd be fun. Rory asks about Richard and Emily. Lorelai says the word "no" several times. She says that her parents wouldn't want to be there. She was supposed to graduate from high school, go to Vassar, marry a Yale man and get a proper nickname like "Babe" or "Bunny" or "Shih tzu." But instead she got pregnant, didn't finish high school, didn't marry Christopher, and ended up in a job that "Jessica Hahn would think was beneath her." Hey. My mom had your job, lady. You calm down. Lorelai says she humiliated the two proudest people in the world by spoiling their plans. Oh, my God, she's still going on. You all get it, right? She broke their hearts and she thinks they'll never forgive her. She's still going on about this. Still. I'm typing and she's still talking about it. Like we didn't know this entire paragraph after the second episode of this show's existence. Rory says that Lorelai might be wrong, since it was a long time ago. Did Rory just get here? Because I think we've been down this road many, many times before. Lorelai says she doesn't want her parents to go to the graduation ceremony, because it would just hurt all of them. Well, that's it. Rory's going to have to directly disobey her mother's orders. Rory tells Lorelai to get back to studying. Lorelai moans that she's already forgotten everything she read in the last few hours. She says she may have forgotten everything she's ever known. She grabs Rory's bad arm and asks, "Child? What be your name?" Rory tells her to study. Lorelai pouts. Oh, man. That scene was long.