We open to a town meeting, where Miss Patty is trying to calm Cardigan Man down. He feels that he's being "persecuted." Miss Patty (who appears to be in charge, due to her "In Charge" podium) promises to listen to his case. The locals get grumpy and ask Cardigan Man to sit down. Cardigan Man tells Older Local that his claim is more important, since his business doesn't sell drug paraphernalia to kids. "It was a lava lamp, Taylor," sighs Older Local. Cardigan Man insists that there's no need to own a lava lamp if you're not on drugs. As they continue bickering, Lorelai sits down beside Rory with a tray full of hot dogs and sodas and asks what she's missed. Rory fills her in and tells her that Cardigan Man is trying to get the No Parking sign in front of his store removed, because he thinks his customers are being unfairly ticketed. "No, it's just because he wants to park there all day," Lorelai whispers. "Genius," Rory whispers back. The Mayor stands up to say, "I've been the Mayor here for a long time." Lorelai and Rory elbow each other and try and hide their giggles. He says that he thinks of everyone as his children, and sometimes children have to be disciplined. "Now, I'm going to say this, and I'm only going to say this once: we have leash laws, people." "Daddy's getting angry," Lorelai snips at Rory. Hee. Rory and Lorelai continue Statler and Waldorfing throughout the rest of the Mayor's points on leashing dogs. The Mayor turns all serious to say that the anniversary of the "Legendary Battle of Stars Hollow" is approaching. As the crowd erupts in applause, we cut to Luke, who is yawning and unimpressed. Lorelai watches Luke grumble and shake his head. The Mayor has a petition for people to sign to participate in the re-enactment. As the Mayor begins telling the story of the battle like it's The Night Before Christmas, Lorelai and Rory continue giving color commentary on Luke's increasing discomfort. I can't believe no one has asked Rory and Lorelai to put a lid on it yet. Luke finally jumps up and shouts, "For God's sake, do we have to go through this every damn year?" Rory and Lorelai are in full Springer audience mode. I suddenly want a hot dog. Luke says he thought they were there to discuss town issues. Cardigan Man says that it is a town issue. The Mayor asks who's speaking. Luke introduces himself, adding, "You've known me since I was five years old." "Oh, Luke. Yes. Sit down." Rory and Lorelai continue to giggle as Luke slowly sits down, and the Mayor continues telling the story of the battle: the twelve heroic men were at attention all night long, waiting for the battle. Luke jumps up and says that twelve guys just stood around all night long in the cold. The enemy never showed: "They got stood up. They should have been wearing prom dresses." Lorelai and Rory laugh loudly. The other Stars Hollow townies look like they don't know how to react; they mostly look at the ground. Rory is the only kid in the place. Cardigan Man and Luke trade insults as Lorelai tells Rory, "Five bucks says somebody ends up in a headlock." Luke says that this entire thing glorifies a war they fought to keep land that they stole. The Mayor shouts, "If you don't like it here in America, why don't you go stand in line for toilet paper in the U.S.S.R.?" Luke points out that there isn't a U.S.S.R. anymore. "A sense of community is so important, isn't it?" Lorelai asks Rory. Rory nods. "It's a known fact." Fade to black as Rory and Lorelai continue eating.
I dance around in my slippers and flannel pj's to "Where You Lead" because, well, it's fun as hell. Try it. It's a great damn song. ["Roger that." -- Wing Chun]