Luke waits outside Jess's high school. Jess walks by reading, and Luke storms up. He asks how Jess's first day was. Jess snarks about all of the gold stars he got. Luke says that Taylor called today and accused Jess of stealing money out of the bridge fund donation cup at the store. Luke says he told Taylor he was crazy and that Jess wouldn't do such a thing. Jess has some nice pecs and I hope he has to take off his shirt soon. ["I will say that in that insanely tight shirt, he looked a little...well, gay." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that if Jess says it's not true, then Luke will believe it's not true. Jess says it's not true, and Luke says Jess wasn't very convincing. Jess turns and asks Luke what he wants from him. He's been taken away from his home and his friends and he's at this school where they say the pledge of allegiance in six different languages, two of which he's never heard of before. Luke says he's trying to help him. Jess tells him to stop trying, stop helping, stop talking, and stop being around. Luke is yelling now and asks Jess whether that's really what Jess wants. Jess says it is. Luke asks again, and Jess repeats that's what he wants. Luke says, "No problem," and stops talking to him. They walk away without saying a word. As they cross a bridge, Luke pushes Jess on the arm and Jess falls into a pond. That would have been so much funnier if it hadn't been in every promo this week.
Lorelai finds Rory studying in the kitchen. Lorelai says that she can't find anyone in Stars Hollow other than Luke who makes a good cup of coffee, and that it's a coffee conspiracy. Rory tells Lorelai she should just dump some water in the bag of coffee grounds. Lorelai admits that the thought crossed her mind. Rory walks into her room to get notes. Lorelai asks what Rory's working on. Rory explains that she had to interview Max because Paris knew that Lorelai and Max broke up. Rory says that it wasn't bad and it allowed the two of them to work some things out. Rory excuses herself to go buy a folder for the report. Lorelai is reading the interview, and compliments Rory's writing. Rory says she knows it's not quite as good as the pavement piece. Lorelai calls Max a hell of a guy. Rory agrees that he is. "I sure know how to dump 'em, don't I?" Lorelai quietly asks herself.
There's a knocking at the back door. It's Luke. He says he just pushed Jess in the lake. He tells Lorelai what just happened. Lorelai asks whether Jess can swim. Luke says that Lorelai was right, and Luke's in so deep he can't even see his own hat. Lorelai suggests he turn the hat around. Luke asks how this all happened. Lorelai explains that Luke saw a kid who needed some help and thought he could do something to help him. Luke says he doesn't even like kids, and that kids are always sticky, like they have jam on their hands even if there isn't any jam in the house, and he's not the kind of person who can deal with jam hands. Okay, that's the second best line in the episode. Jam hands. That's my problem with kids, too. I don't like Lorelai's shirt. She says that Jess is past the jam-hands stage but that this is harder than just buying a bed and sheets. Luke says he's going to kill Liz. Lorelai says that this is past Liz and that he's got to deal with Jess now. Babette barges in here and apologizes. She asks Lorelai if she's seen Pierpont. That's her lawn gnome. The one with the pipe. Babette warbles that she's had these gnomes so long it's like they're children. She adds that she can hear them talking to her at night. Luke says he bets she'll see Pierpont again very soon. He goes to the front door and excuses himself. He asks Lorelai whether he'll see her tomorrow at the diner for her Danish. She says that tomorrow isn't Danish Day, but that he'll see her anyway.